Its been a while... wouldn't you agree ?
Its obvious I only write when I need to catch up with myself.. or if something happens I deem important enough to either share or rant about..
Well today has arrived and we'll start as always at the beginning.
I broke my shoulder.. That's it.. And for anyone who has broken a bone or lived with someone who has you are about to skip through this part as you've already been there and experienced it first hand.
For anyone else.. It goes like this..
I decided in my ultimate and impulsive wisdom to buy a bike.. not your everyday chain and pedal bike but one with an engine.. and for this to happen.. I needed to take my cbt. This also had its own problems.. I failed the first test due to eyesight problems.. kate rushed me off to get tested.. new glasses in hand I passed my cbt (without wearing them) go figure !!
So.. a geared bike had now been sat in my yard for a few weeks before my test.. and she was a beast..
I started her up everyday and took her up the lane.. slowly teaching myself gears clutches and a big chunk of metal that could carry me off into the sunset.. with help from many friends I had it sussed.
And then the day came to legally ride out alone and I couldn't be seen for dust.. I loved the bike, I loved the freedom and everything that came with it. Until the day I fell off !!
There was no speed, no messing about.. just rain and an oil patch. Conclusion = broken shoulder with ripped tendons, muscles and ligaments and a number of other words I can't pronounce..
Now.. for someone as active as me this almost destroyed me. To have to get Kate to help me for the first few weeks in and out of baths.. and several other things I found I couldn't do.. There were tears and tantrums and days of dark dark places I couldn't see myself getting out of. I wasn't sleeping.. and when I did fall asleep I would wake everyone up screaming as I had rolled over on my arm..
To add to this I had just started work ! and now I was sat over Christmas.. emotionally and physically broken. I sold that bike,,,, I regret that !!
Then I had a phone call.. I have no recollection of applying for this job.. nor do I now know how anyone contacted me.. but the call came for a job.. I was not interested. I was tired, Hurting and truly not bothered.
But they kept calling.. told me to fill out all these forms and so.. Being bored.. I did as they said.. filled out forms signed this and that.. sent several emails and this and that.. then they hollered me for an induction/training day.. Now I'm not sure legally or morally I can say where this was.. But my friends will know and that's enough.. either way I had wanted to work here since I was a kid in whatever way possible.. and now I had the chance.
The problem.. I was still in a solid sling.
So.. off I went and needless to say I landed a temporary job doing what I love and learning everyday something new however small. T
The job itself is nothing to write home about.. and doing all this against my physios advice.. and still with a very broken bone has been painful.. But the people I have worked with have been patient and willing to bend here and there.. and have helped me heal in more ways than one. and this is worth writing about. I've met dicks and people who I thought were awesome who turned out to be dicks !! And then I've met real gold mines. I've met people who I would not normally socialise with, and they've become fantastic friends.. but truly in their own way they have all been insane fruit loops.. and the funny thing is.. it's all very genuine.
People talk to you... daily.. strangers have become friends in a very short space of time.
Within days this will all be over.. and I doubt I will ever experience anything so frantic again..
But I will look back on this winter in years to come.. and I will never forget what has truly been an insane few months,
Thursday, 2 April 2015
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Second Chances Or Digging Up The Past.....
Sometimes, we plough through life, with no consequences to our actions, and it seems some of us are lucky enough to never have to face the aftermath of events we have created, even if we never intended for it to happen. In the instant we do something we regret, even if for a split second.. that tiny intimate little thought inside your head, that has already let you know you feel regret.. is also the one that for a brief moment in time warns you there will be consequences.
I lived half of my life, ignoring all those tiny thoughts and feelings, blaming my mistakes on grief/bpd or anything at the time rather than face the truth... I was playing with life, playing with people.. and sadly playing with feelings. There would never be a consequence, I would never have to deal with it, I just went through life like some big board game.. and always threw a lucky six.. always.
I was never faithful, I was never always honest, I was never going to have to change.
Then.. I got hurt. Even though in the darkest recess of my mind I knew this one affair would never amount to anything, It rocked my world and turned everything I thought I knew into a different world I thought I was living in. And in the 3 1/2 years since, I have become someone I am no longer ashamed to be. I have spent that time wisely looking back on my life and having many epiphany type moments, of realising how much I hurt people, how much I created pain and tears and more. The people close to me, and that know me, have seen this change slowly, and gradually and I have never hidden this, I have never kept it secret of how much I hate myself for what I did, or if I could change things I would. People who know me.. know how much I have tried, and how much I have wanted to fix the relics of the bridges that once were.
The events leading up to this blog are by no means easy to write about, But for whatever reason, they will be said.
As described earlier, I hurt people.. and luckily for me and hopefully them, I have managed to re trace steps, re open old wounds and with a lot of patience and a lot of time, patched things up with all but one person. Even as far back as school I have contacted and established old friends, old enemies and old bullies !!! And I have fixed and mended and apologised and questioned..
And until now.. Its been easy to admit where I was wrong, why I did what I did and how to repair things. Along the way, I have lost friends, or people I assumed were friends, for whatever reason are now no longer in my life, I have tended my friends to the point of having no negativity, no second guessing, genuine people amongst my friends to remind me why I will never become that person I was.
But.. and there will always be a but.. there was one person I couldn't bring myself to face, one person I couldn't deal with nor handle the emotions that went with it.
And now, in this moment in time, I was forced into a place where the choice was taken out of my hands and not only did I have to deal with it, I had to face years of pent up emotion from the damage and hurt I caused. To sit and watch across a table as the women I once held close spat tears of hate, and raw anger directed at me, and me alone, has to be one the very worst things I've had to face. There was never any closure, there was never any reason, and one of the biggest regrets to date and one of her many questions was why I walked away and never gave what we had a chance. I have never kept this a secret from Kate, and I have no reason to, My life was based on lies and a web of deceit that even I started to lose grip on the truth and reality. So 2 hours of emotion from both sides it didn't even come close to what we both felt needed said. I never stopped feeling for her, but I tried so hard to turn it into hate as it was easier. No one who can claim to now have a heart of stone could still hurt as much as she still does, There is little or no trust left, But I have a debt to pay, and I requested she gave me a chance to prove myself once again, and she has at least given me that, And her number and a couple of polite texts and an almost normal call later with genuine laughter on both sides has eased that small knot I have carried in the pit of my stomach for a few years now, We will maybe never be best friends again, and we may only ever text occasionally, and people will not like it, But this will be their own insecurities and faiths and should not be reflected in who I am or who she is, or what we once were.
This is now, this is my very public and very humbled attempt at showing how very serious I am about not letting her walk out of my life for the second time without a fighting chance at proving myself and repaying a never forgotten debt, and to thank her for giving me that second chance.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Yeo Valley - OUT LOUD
Now... I know some of you will be reading this and shaking your heads and sighing and ready to slap me about a bit for naming the work place that just sacked me.... Some of you however.. will be agreeing with what I've done and why. Legally.. they can take me to court if what I say amounts to slander or libel.. legally I say bring it on.. I will invite as much media as possible..
This is my outlook on the whole thing.. and I am beyong caring who it makes look bad. But I ask you this.. Judge me after you've read it.
I worked at Yeo valley years ago in Blagdon.. It was possibly the best job I ever had, I loved where I worked I loved the job and I loved the people I worked with. Sadly due to an allergy that couldnt be helped I had to leave that job.
Luckily for me another oppertunity arose where I could once again work for Yeo Valley, closer to me and I thought things were almost perfect, I had not my dream job.. but it came close.. I enjoyed learning, I enjoyed seeing a product come in.. and I was rewarded with seeing it go out on time. However it soon became clear this was not the Yeo valley I had worked for back when I was younger. The in house training was virtually non existant, and that for me was devastating, I enjoy to learn, I enjoy to better myself through a job.. This wasn't pushing the buttons.. I did complain many times, but like all things here it fell on deaf ears, You were shown 5 minutes on a job or briefed and that was your training... There was just no time for us *foot soldiers* and thats how it became easier for me to deal with the lack of training, My friend Karen also worked here alongside me.. and if it was not for her I think I would of gone insane. I don't blame my manager.. he really didnt have the time to teach.. but it was almost like there was no incentive to want to teach us, to train us.. maybe it was because no one but me was asking.. I was in an english minority and it became clear who ruled the roost.
Within the workplace I got along with everyone, I laughed and joked with everyone and loved to learn from where people came from and their cultures.. I had even talked about going to Latvia with a friend to learn about her home. To me it was all learning, and I learnt more about poland and Latvia than I did about yeo valley... but it was feeding my thirst for knowledge and so I settled into a happy routine, I worked, learnt what I could from colleagues about the job, but learnt more about other cultures from my friends.
I had plans now, dreams that were going to come true, trips to paris and germany were on the cards and finally my marraige to Kate was going to be a reality, we had a budget and we had a future.. things were great.
Then suddenly overnight it all went wrong.. instantly.. I was suspended.. then fired.. This is what happened and how one bully can destroy a person in a heartbeat.. and how one company can treat one person so unfairly.
A normal working day.. and a normal busy one at that..
We were collecting products from pallets, pallets that were too close to each other, and too close to the table. We had all complained about the pallets, but as always.. deaf ears.. I lost my balance and pushed Trish who in turn bumped into Marika, we both apologised as you do and carried on. Nothing was said I might add and we continued to work. Later that day Mark (My Manager) called me to one side and explained that someone had "expressed concern" about pushing and shoving around the pallets, and this person *didn't want a scene made* so Mark was just letting me know, and he would also be letting Trish know. So without a thought I went back to work.
At the end of day, Mark called a team brief and explained he was fed up with *Horseplay* around the pallets and he would hope having spoken to the two people Involved that it would now stop !!!!! This is where it gets sticky... I was livid.. I had been accused of fucking about around pallets, when I had only lost my balance.. It turns out the guy who *reported* us.. was Marika's boyfriend and wasn't even in the room at the time.. and In his statement.. he says I *crushed* Marika... mmmm I didn't even touch her !! So this should show a little towards his character.. It should also be noted, that Marika is pregnant, but kept this from Everyone, instead we were told she had a bad back.
So anyways.. I digress, I went home angry that night. What you don't know is that Dariusz (Marika's Boyfriend) has had several run ins with Mark since I have been there. I thought to be honest that Mark was scared of him. He took someones mat once and Mark told him off for it.. Daruisz's reply... "It's all about the english" even back then, this set alarm bells going.
So.. Home I went.. and straight onto facebook.. and I made a mistake. I ranted.. and instead of leaving it, I tagged a friend.. yea stupid I know... and to top it off.. that friend was also friends with.. yea you guessed it.. Dariusz and Marika.
My status... went something like this..
"Unbelievable, fuckin prick of a male at work accusing me of shoving, shoulda shoved harder and caused an accident, fuckin immigrant"
So... there you have it.. that statement cost me my job.
Why.. because he saw it, printed it off and took it to Mark saying he was *offended*. I was interviewed, Investigated, appealed and dismissed.
And I didn't have a leg to stand on, clever Yeo Valley got me before I had been there a year.. so I couldnt even claim unfair dismissal.
What you should understand is that, 1) Yeo Valley was never mentioned on my profile as to where I worked..
2) Dariusz's Name was also never mentioned...
3) The accident, although in the cold light of day looks like a threat, was never meant the way it had been taken... In my clever state of mind at the time, I meant had I of pushed Trish harder, it would of been me falling backwards over the pallet.. and I would of been the accident.. It was that simple.. and we all know the adverts for "Have YOU had an accident at work" etc etc.. Hell I was just thinking pound signs... Yeo valley took it like I was going to Hurt Trish.. I am also going to add here, that Trish is my friend now and was then, why I would want to threaten her is beyond me and her.
As for the immigrant comment, which is what the *big* issue seemed to be.. This word was used along with foriegner/paddy/geordie/spanaird etc etc.. I am of Irish decent and still have the accent... I am called a foriegner regularly in work, I take this is good form and have never taken offence, Dariuzs and Marika also have used the same words and have never *taken offense* before now. But.. this time, he did.. and No one listened to me.. My story, and I got fired.
During my suspension, Daruisz chased Karen and Trish on forklift truck shouting at them "I know where you live" & "yesterday was just a warning"
They complained and he was *told off* According to Yeo valley policy, if there is *any* incident on a truck, you will be removed and have to re sit your test.. well guess what.. He didnt. He is still on trucks.
Karen, well she transferred to another shift and moved home because of it.
I wanted people to know the real story, no matter how bad it makes me look, there was a reason behind the status, and I explained it clearly to every manager that listened.. In my defence I supplied over 12 Character statements who Yeo valley could of contacted.. and they didn't. I have worked with every colour and creed possible, I worked in a self help group helping people from poland/latvia/lithuania get homes and jobs.. I have worked and been friends with transgendered people.
But this they ignored, I called witnesses who were never spoken to, references that were never contacted.
From interview, to investigation, to appeal to dismissed.. I plead my case, I begged for my job.
I was accused of being a bully, Of being racist, Of incitement and harrassment.
Yeo valley no longer has my respect or support. I'm ashamed to of been a small part of what once I was proud to be involved in.
It proves that Yeo Valley is not the family friendly company it used to be.
I'm hurt and angry that my appeal was never treated seriously, and that people like daruisz can get away with what he has done, without consequence.
This is my outlook on the whole thing.. and I am beyong caring who it makes look bad. But I ask you this.. Judge me after you've read it.
I worked at Yeo valley years ago in Blagdon.. It was possibly the best job I ever had, I loved where I worked I loved the job and I loved the people I worked with. Sadly due to an allergy that couldnt be helped I had to leave that job.
Luckily for me another oppertunity arose where I could once again work for Yeo Valley, closer to me and I thought things were almost perfect, I had not my dream job.. but it came close.. I enjoyed learning, I enjoyed seeing a product come in.. and I was rewarded with seeing it go out on time. However it soon became clear this was not the Yeo valley I had worked for back when I was younger. The in house training was virtually non existant, and that for me was devastating, I enjoy to learn, I enjoy to better myself through a job.. This wasn't pushing the buttons.. I did complain many times, but like all things here it fell on deaf ears, You were shown 5 minutes on a job or briefed and that was your training... There was just no time for us *foot soldiers* and thats how it became easier for me to deal with the lack of training, My friend Karen also worked here alongside me.. and if it was not for her I think I would of gone insane. I don't blame my manager.. he really didnt have the time to teach.. but it was almost like there was no incentive to want to teach us, to train us.. maybe it was because no one but me was asking.. I was in an english minority and it became clear who ruled the roost.
Within the workplace I got along with everyone, I laughed and joked with everyone and loved to learn from where people came from and their cultures.. I had even talked about going to Latvia with a friend to learn about her home. To me it was all learning, and I learnt more about poland and Latvia than I did about yeo valley... but it was feeding my thirst for knowledge and so I settled into a happy routine, I worked, learnt what I could from colleagues about the job, but learnt more about other cultures from my friends.
I had plans now, dreams that were going to come true, trips to paris and germany were on the cards and finally my marraige to Kate was going to be a reality, we had a budget and we had a future.. things were great.
Then suddenly overnight it all went wrong.. instantly.. I was suspended.. then fired.. This is what happened and how one bully can destroy a person in a heartbeat.. and how one company can treat one person so unfairly.
A normal working day.. and a normal busy one at that..
We were collecting products from pallets, pallets that were too close to each other, and too close to the table. We had all complained about the pallets, but as always.. deaf ears.. I lost my balance and pushed Trish who in turn bumped into Marika, we both apologised as you do and carried on. Nothing was said I might add and we continued to work. Later that day Mark (My Manager) called me to one side and explained that someone had "expressed concern" about pushing and shoving around the pallets, and this person *didn't want a scene made* so Mark was just letting me know, and he would also be letting Trish know. So without a thought I went back to work.
At the end of day, Mark called a team brief and explained he was fed up with *Horseplay* around the pallets and he would hope having spoken to the two people Involved that it would now stop !!!!! This is where it gets sticky... I was livid.. I had been accused of fucking about around pallets, when I had only lost my balance.. It turns out the guy who *reported* us.. was Marika's boyfriend and wasn't even in the room at the time.. and In his statement.. he says I *crushed* Marika... mmmm I didn't even touch her !! So this should show a little towards his character.. It should also be noted, that Marika is pregnant, but kept this from Everyone, instead we were told she had a bad back.
So anyways.. I digress, I went home angry that night. What you don't know is that Dariusz (Marika's Boyfriend) has had several run ins with Mark since I have been there. I thought to be honest that Mark was scared of him. He took someones mat once and Mark told him off for it.. Daruisz's reply... "It's all about the english" even back then, this set alarm bells going.
So.. Home I went.. and straight onto facebook.. and I made a mistake. I ranted.. and instead of leaving it, I tagged a friend.. yea stupid I know... and to top it off.. that friend was also friends with.. yea you guessed it.. Dariusz and Marika.
My status... went something like this..
"Unbelievable, fuckin prick of a male at work accusing me of shoving, shoulda shoved harder and caused an accident, fuckin immigrant"
So... there you have it.. that statement cost me my job.
Why.. because he saw it, printed it off and took it to Mark saying he was *offended*. I was interviewed, Investigated, appealed and dismissed.
And I didn't have a leg to stand on, clever Yeo Valley got me before I had been there a year.. so I couldnt even claim unfair dismissal.
What you should understand is that, 1) Yeo Valley was never mentioned on my profile as to where I worked..
2) Dariusz's Name was also never mentioned...
3) The accident, although in the cold light of day looks like a threat, was never meant the way it had been taken... In my clever state of mind at the time, I meant had I of pushed Trish harder, it would of been me falling backwards over the pallet.. and I would of been the accident.. It was that simple.. and we all know the adverts for "Have YOU had an accident at work" etc etc.. Hell I was just thinking pound signs... Yeo valley took it like I was going to Hurt Trish.. I am also going to add here, that Trish is my friend now and was then, why I would want to threaten her is beyond me and her.
As for the immigrant comment, which is what the *big* issue seemed to be.. This word was used along with foriegner/paddy/geordie/spanaird etc etc.. I am of Irish decent and still have the accent... I am called a foriegner regularly in work, I take this is good form and have never taken offence, Dariuzs and Marika also have used the same words and have never *taken offense* before now. But.. this time, he did.. and No one listened to me.. My story, and I got fired.
During my suspension, Daruisz chased Karen and Trish on forklift truck shouting at them "I know where you live" & "yesterday was just a warning"
They complained and he was *told off* According to Yeo valley policy, if there is *any* incident on a truck, you will be removed and have to re sit your test.. well guess what.. He didnt. He is still on trucks.
Karen, well she transferred to another shift and moved home because of it.
I wanted people to know the real story, no matter how bad it makes me look, there was a reason behind the status, and I explained it clearly to every manager that listened.. In my defence I supplied over 12 Character statements who Yeo valley could of contacted.. and they didn't. I have worked with every colour and creed possible, I worked in a self help group helping people from poland/latvia/lithuania get homes and jobs.. I have worked and been friends with transgendered people.
But this they ignored, I called witnesses who were never spoken to, references that were never contacted.
From interview, to investigation, to appeal to dismissed.. I plead my case, I begged for my job.
I was accused of being a bully, Of being racist, Of incitement and harrassment.
Yeo valley no longer has my respect or support. I'm ashamed to of been a small part of what once I was proud to be involved in.
It proves that Yeo Valley is not the family friendly company it used to be.
I'm hurt and angry that my appeal was never treated seriously, and that people like daruisz can get away with what he has done, without consequence.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
The Death Of a Parent.
*This blog has been left, not because I forgot or not because I was too busy.. But because I knew what was coming next... The hardest part is knowing people are reading this, and that not one or two people, but several people have asked me not to stop the blog.. so with them and my continuing journey.. this.. is the next step.
My earliest memories are fogged.. I have glimpses into my youth occasionally.. flash backs from a time when things I thought were easier. I have smells of playschool... play doh and crayons... poster paint and that strange almost sour milk smell that will bring me right back to my childhood.. stood in the hall, holding my mums hand.. her guiding me to go play.. My Independence had begun...
I recall summer days of playing in the garden with one of the numerous dogs we had, or peat and lolly sticks and water... winter nights of snuggling with my mum and smells of oranges and brandy.. somewhere along the way, my baby brother came along.. I don't think he was as much of an impact on my life then as people would imagine... I doted on him then as I do now.. but now at 6ft I have to admit to looking up to him, in more ways than I can begin to explain.
He just fitted right in along side the general life of the household... when he was old enough it was the pair of us that mum had to deal with.. skimmed knees and grazed hands from the many karts or dens we tried building.. there were many days we'd get into bother.. and we were patched up and sent on our way, by our endlessly worried mum..
My brother and I had our own paths.. and we trod them tirelessly.. My path was more of a maze.. and led me into so many journeys that would take more time than I care to give to explain them all away !! I had no path... On my first day of school.. I was given new books... inside each cover was carefully written this...
Your future lies before you,
like a path of driven snow,
Be careful how you tread it,
for every step will show.
My mum, taught me this poem, and if only I knew then what I know now, my path maybe would of taken a very different direction.
But.. as it turns out.. I have but a few regrets.. I was sent to boarding school at the tender age of 12. To this day, I will never truly understand why.. but I knew that somewhere between 7 and 12.. things went wrong at home.. I used to wake up in the middle of the night hearing my mum and step dad fight.. I'd hear the door and I felt the most unimaginable panic rip through me, I'd run to the window and see her walking away, I'd scream.. she'd hear and come right back... This was a regular occurrence and it has imprinted firmly on my mind even now as an adult. My mum and I drifted apart, or maybe it was me that drifted... can you drift at that age ??
Boarding school, is another story.. But I began to grow.. to listen to my guide, and to rebel against everything that was thrown at me. I was not the same as the people I went to school with, I was not rich.. I was not a princess..
(this was after all, A very private, very elite school)
I was not one of the 1200 girls.. I was.. in fact in my element !!
But I saw my mum little in the 3 years I was there. I grew to be fiercely defencive of my friends which I still Carry to this day, I became an independent growing child at 12, 13 and 14... I strived to be the best, I excelled in sports, I played for the county, in games other kids would never have the chance to do, I played for the county in Archery, rounders and finally I was a year away from Olympic grading in Fencing... I was making something of myself.
Then I slipped, through reasons that will be explained some other time.. I was caught having underage sex.. consensual I will point out.. and was asked not to return to the school next term. I was not expelled, I was merely asked to leave.
So.. a 14 year old, well spoken, sexually aware, independent girl arrived back home, to be put into a public day school, with all the people I had grown up with as a child. This was never going to be an easy transition.
But at home... my mum took it all, the anger, the resentment, the phases I went through, all this and bringing up my brother at the same time.
My mum and I were never friends, we never talked, there was an unspoken agreement, as soon as it was feasibly legal, I would find my own place.. until then you are stuck with me !!!
I don't know what it was like living through all this from the outside, I never asked my brother, or my step father or even my grand parents, at the time, I assumed I was just "in the way".
I didn't wait for legality to get in my way, by 15 i was sleeping with my mums best friend and moved in with her.
To this day, I have no idea what kind of an impact this had on anyone in my family.. It lasted a couple of years and then I moved on. My mum and I had begun to build bridges, she was now with my real father of whom I have never and will never have any kind of relationship with. But despite his jealousy over my mum and I's ever growing friendship, we became friends again, and in good time, because it was shortly after that I fell in love and kaz became my right hand. I had an ally at last.. and in time, my mum took kaz as her own and our friendship became stronger.
As much I had my own pre set path to wander, at this point in my life I strived for my mum to be proud of me, she didn't know half of what was achieved at school, but i wanted her to be proud that I was me, proud of my ever growing relationship for kaz. Because of this almost obsessive want or need for my mums pride in me, I never went far from home.. until now.. I had to make a choice in a split second, and I made the choice. I had to go to Ireland with Kaz to fight custody of her children. There was no hesitation. It was and has been the biggest thing I have ever had to do in my life. And it was the turning point in my path of life.
It was in hindsight the best thing I could ever do. During the few years of being In Ireland we went through a lot, from our house being destroyed by fire, from court battles as a regular thing, following the 4 year story of custody In Northern Ireland, in itself will one day make a book.. but when we all returned to England, children and all.. My mum was my best friend. And this was to get stronger as the years went on. We talked, we shared we laughed and we loved. When she lost her mum, it was me she wanted by her side. I could reach her, where others failed. She was my mum and I would protect her from anything and anyone. After my youth, I felt I owed her more than I could ever give.
This time.. (September/October) 5 years ago.. My mum changed.
She became increasingly confused, signed her texts off with her name, rather than mum, called me to tell me she was miles from home, when I knew she was tucked up at home.
My dad for the first time, asked for my help.
I remember after he talked to me, that things weren't right with my mum.. I recall sat at the table pleading with her in tears, to see a doctor.. it was then in her eyes, I saw her fear, I saw she knew something was wrong.
Within days she had been to the doctors, and was then sent straight to yeovil Hospital, within hours to be sent to Frenchay... This was serious, Frenchay specialised in neurological problems.
I don't know the order of things from here on in, I don't remember dates/times/places...
I remember visiting everyday without fail, and sitting with my mum, talking about everything and nothing.
I know she was getting worse.. I was asked by the nurses to see if I could get my mum to lie still for a scan, as they just couldn't do it. It was hard talking to my mum like a child, and through choked up tears, I convinced her to do it.. I held her hand through the scan.
The things we think of at the strangest of times sometimes make no sense, it was as she climbed off the bed, that her gown dropped, and I saw my mum naked for the first time since I was a baby.. It didn't shock me that she was naked, or that this was my mum, what shocked me was that she didn't react.. to her in her state this was normal. I covered her back up and put her back in her bed.
Days later, my father and I were called to the hospital.. at this time, my father and I had built a strange kind of relationship.. in all things.. he was hurting for the woman he loved, and that woman was my mum.
We were taken into a small room, and I knew at the time, that in all the hospital shows I've ever watched, this is where they tell you something bad. But I brushed it aside and barely remember the words he said.. Brain tumour.. we cant operate.. weeks... maybe.
Life blurred.. this was my mum.. my best friend.. He had to be wrong. There had to be a mistake.
I didn't break down, I didn't cry. I left the room and went to my mum, hugged her, told her I loved her, and that I'd see her tomorrow.
I got into my car.. which at the time was a prelude high speed sports car.. and I hit the motorway like I had the devil behind me. And I drove. I drove like I had no future, like I had no past. Then I stopped, and then I cried. And I never really stopped crying.
Mum stayed there for a while so they could monitor the tumour. Then she was moved to a hospice nearer to home. I hated this.. it was a place people came to die. and I truly despised my father for having her put there.
It became my every living and breathing hell.
I visited, I hated seeing my mum slowly lose her grip on everything. She no longer had the smooth shaved legs she used to, so I shaved them, and it has to of been the strangest thing I've ever done, almost surreal. Her nails were cut shaped, I knew people around me were trying to help.. It was as if they sensed/knew that she wasn't the person she used to be. I was losing her.
From here on it, we had time blocks.. would she make it to my brothers birthday? Oct 30. would she make it to mine?Nov 28. Christmas.. New year.. her birthday Jan 19th ????
She was moved out of the hospice and back home, where she was cared for by my father and carers came in twice daily to assist in things, administer drugs and suchlike..
On the 9th January, at about midday, I was out with Karen shopping, Over the course of the past months I had learnt for my own sanity that I needed to take a break from visiting my mum..and one day a week, I'd fight the heavy burden of guilt and stay away, Personally I don't think it helped me any, but today was one of these days where I agreed, that I didn't want to go visit.
Karen had other plans, she said we should go. Someone somewhere had plans.
As I walked through the door, I saw my mums face and I knew.. People will often say they know.. and I never believed them.. Until this point in my life.
She struggled for breath, It was almost like she waited..
I held her hand, told her it was OK, I told her I loved her.
At 1pm Jan 9th 2007.
My mum, My best friend,took her last breath.
5 years have past, and that day and the months leading to that day will forever remain burnt into my every memory.
I have learnt to fight my own battles.
I have learnt to appreciate life/nature and all that it holds.
I have inherited many qualities, I can craft, I can cook.
I can love, forgive and grieve.. even now.
My mum gave me the gift of life, and I choose not to waste it or have anyone tell me how to live it.
I have become the woman my mum would be proud of.
My earliest memories are fogged.. I have glimpses into my youth occasionally.. flash backs from a time when things I thought were easier. I have smells of playschool... play doh and crayons... poster paint and that strange almost sour milk smell that will bring me right back to my childhood.. stood in the hall, holding my mums hand.. her guiding me to go play.. My Independence had begun...
I recall summer days of playing in the garden with one of the numerous dogs we had, or peat and lolly sticks and water... winter nights of snuggling with my mum and smells of oranges and brandy.. somewhere along the way, my baby brother came along.. I don't think he was as much of an impact on my life then as people would imagine... I doted on him then as I do now.. but now at 6ft I have to admit to looking up to him, in more ways than I can begin to explain.
He just fitted right in along side the general life of the household... when he was old enough it was the pair of us that mum had to deal with.. skimmed knees and grazed hands from the many karts or dens we tried building.. there were many days we'd get into bother.. and we were patched up and sent on our way, by our endlessly worried mum..
My brother and I had our own paths.. and we trod them tirelessly.. My path was more of a maze.. and led me into so many journeys that would take more time than I care to give to explain them all away !! I had no path... On my first day of school.. I was given new books... inside each cover was carefully written this...
Your future lies before you,
like a path of driven snow,
Be careful how you tread it,
for every step will show.
My mum, taught me this poem, and if only I knew then what I know now, my path maybe would of taken a very different direction.
But.. as it turns out.. I have but a few regrets.. I was sent to boarding school at the tender age of 12. To this day, I will never truly understand why.. but I knew that somewhere between 7 and 12.. things went wrong at home.. I used to wake up in the middle of the night hearing my mum and step dad fight.. I'd hear the door and I felt the most unimaginable panic rip through me, I'd run to the window and see her walking away, I'd scream.. she'd hear and come right back... This was a regular occurrence and it has imprinted firmly on my mind even now as an adult. My mum and I drifted apart, or maybe it was me that drifted... can you drift at that age ??
Boarding school, is another story.. But I began to grow.. to listen to my guide, and to rebel against everything that was thrown at me. I was not the same as the people I went to school with, I was not rich.. I was not a princess..
(this was after all, A very private, very elite school)
I was not one of the 1200 girls.. I was.. in fact in my element !!
But I saw my mum little in the 3 years I was there. I grew to be fiercely defencive of my friends which I still Carry to this day, I became an independent growing child at 12, 13 and 14... I strived to be the best, I excelled in sports, I played for the county, in games other kids would never have the chance to do, I played for the county in Archery, rounders and finally I was a year away from Olympic grading in Fencing... I was making something of myself.
Then I slipped, through reasons that will be explained some other time.. I was caught having underage sex.. consensual I will point out.. and was asked not to return to the school next term. I was not expelled, I was merely asked to leave.
So.. a 14 year old, well spoken, sexually aware, independent girl arrived back home, to be put into a public day school, with all the people I had grown up with as a child. This was never going to be an easy transition.
But at home... my mum took it all, the anger, the resentment, the phases I went through, all this and bringing up my brother at the same time.
My mum and I were never friends, we never talked, there was an unspoken agreement, as soon as it was feasibly legal, I would find my own place.. until then you are stuck with me !!!
I don't know what it was like living through all this from the outside, I never asked my brother, or my step father or even my grand parents, at the time, I assumed I was just "in the way".
I didn't wait for legality to get in my way, by 15 i was sleeping with my mums best friend and moved in with her.
To this day, I have no idea what kind of an impact this had on anyone in my family.. It lasted a couple of years and then I moved on. My mum and I had begun to build bridges, she was now with my real father of whom I have never and will never have any kind of relationship with. But despite his jealousy over my mum and I's ever growing friendship, we became friends again, and in good time, because it was shortly after that I fell in love and kaz became my right hand. I had an ally at last.. and in time, my mum took kaz as her own and our friendship became stronger.
As much I had my own pre set path to wander, at this point in my life I strived for my mum to be proud of me, she didn't know half of what was achieved at school, but i wanted her to be proud that I was me, proud of my ever growing relationship for kaz. Because of this almost obsessive want or need for my mums pride in me, I never went far from home.. until now.. I had to make a choice in a split second, and I made the choice. I had to go to Ireland with Kaz to fight custody of her children. There was no hesitation. It was and has been the biggest thing I have ever had to do in my life. And it was the turning point in my path of life.
It was in hindsight the best thing I could ever do. During the few years of being In Ireland we went through a lot, from our house being destroyed by fire, from court battles as a regular thing, following the 4 year story of custody In Northern Ireland, in itself will one day make a book.. but when we all returned to England, children and all.. My mum was my best friend. And this was to get stronger as the years went on. We talked, we shared we laughed and we loved. When she lost her mum, it was me she wanted by her side. I could reach her, where others failed. She was my mum and I would protect her from anything and anyone. After my youth, I felt I owed her more than I could ever give.
This time.. (September/October) 5 years ago.. My mum changed.
She became increasingly confused, signed her texts off with her name, rather than mum, called me to tell me she was miles from home, when I knew she was tucked up at home.
My dad for the first time, asked for my help.
I remember after he talked to me, that things weren't right with my mum.. I recall sat at the table pleading with her in tears, to see a doctor.. it was then in her eyes, I saw her fear, I saw she knew something was wrong.
Within days she had been to the doctors, and was then sent straight to yeovil Hospital, within hours to be sent to Frenchay... This was serious, Frenchay specialised in neurological problems.
I don't know the order of things from here on in, I don't remember dates/times/places...
I remember visiting everyday without fail, and sitting with my mum, talking about everything and nothing.
I know she was getting worse.. I was asked by the nurses to see if I could get my mum to lie still for a scan, as they just couldn't do it. It was hard talking to my mum like a child, and through choked up tears, I convinced her to do it.. I held her hand through the scan.
The things we think of at the strangest of times sometimes make no sense, it was as she climbed off the bed, that her gown dropped, and I saw my mum naked for the first time since I was a baby.. It didn't shock me that she was naked, or that this was my mum, what shocked me was that she didn't react.. to her in her state this was normal. I covered her back up and put her back in her bed.
Days later, my father and I were called to the hospital.. at this time, my father and I had built a strange kind of relationship.. in all things.. he was hurting for the woman he loved, and that woman was my mum.
We were taken into a small room, and I knew at the time, that in all the hospital shows I've ever watched, this is where they tell you something bad. But I brushed it aside and barely remember the words he said.. Brain tumour.. we cant operate.. weeks... maybe.
Life blurred.. this was my mum.. my best friend.. He had to be wrong. There had to be a mistake.
I didn't break down, I didn't cry. I left the room and went to my mum, hugged her, told her I loved her, and that I'd see her tomorrow.
I got into my car.. which at the time was a prelude high speed sports car.. and I hit the motorway like I had the devil behind me. And I drove. I drove like I had no future, like I had no past. Then I stopped, and then I cried. And I never really stopped crying.
Mum stayed there for a while so they could monitor the tumour. Then she was moved to a hospice nearer to home. I hated this.. it was a place people came to die. and I truly despised my father for having her put there.
It became my every living and breathing hell.
I visited, I hated seeing my mum slowly lose her grip on everything. She no longer had the smooth shaved legs she used to, so I shaved them, and it has to of been the strangest thing I've ever done, almost surreal. Her nails were cut shaped, I knew people around me were trying to help.. It was as if they sensed/knew that she wasn't the person she used to be. I was losing her.
From here on it, we had time blocks.. would she make it to my brothers birthday? Oct 30. would she make it to mine?Nov 28. Christmas.. New year.. her birthday Jan 19th ????
She was moved out of the hospice and back home, where she was cared for by my father and carers came in twice daily to assist in things, administer drugs and suchlike..
On the 9th January, at about midday, I was out with Karen shopping, Over the course of the past months I had learnt for my own sanity that I needed to take a break from visiting my mum..and one day a week, I'd fight the heavy burden of guilt and stay away, Personally I don't think it helped me any, but today was one of these days where I agreed, that I didn't want to go visit.
Karen had other plans, she said we should go. Someone somewhere had plans.
As I walked through the door, I saw my mums face and I knew.. People will often say they know.. and I never believed them.. Until this point in my life.
She struggled for breath, It was almost like she waited..
I held her hand, told her it was OK, I told her I loved her.
At 1pm Jan 9th 2007.
My mum, My best friend,took her last breath.
5 years have past, and that day and the months leading to that day will forever remain burnt into my every memory.
I have learnt to fight my own battles.
I have learnt to appreciate life/nature and all that it holds.
I have inherited many qualities, I can craft, I can cook.
I can love, forgive and grieve.. even now.
My mum gave me the gift of life, and I choose not to waste it or have anyone tell me how to live it.
I have become the woman my mum would be proud of.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Kate's Birthday suprise.. Cornwall / London 2012.
So.... the plan was to arrange something I knew Kate wanted, something to make her go wow.. something special.. and well thought out.. This.. is how it went.
Kate had the kids for the weekend of her birthday, so I couldnt do an awful lot on the day, however.. the weekend before and after were mine to do as I pleased... so I did.
Kate has a bucket list... one of those "Do before you die" checklists.. I wanted to hit a few of them for her... Part one... To arrange a romantic getaway.. The problem... getting the right place on the right date..and getting the kids sorted as the one night the hotel had.. was mid-week... typical...But with a few tweeks and phone calls... it was arranged... Next problem.. I wanted Kate to see where we were staying in daylight... not driving down after work, so with more tweeks and a very helpful Boss... Kate was to be collected early from work.. I arrived at 1pm.. to collect her... she didnt believe me when I said we were off to Cornwall... But we were and off we went... The manor speaks for itself...
And perfect....
These rooms were small, compact and so cosey.. and smack bang in the middle of Soho, 2 minutes from Kate's favourite Bar Soho... it really was better than I thought.. and Kate.. well she was blown away. We sat at Ed's Diner and watched the world go by.. waiting, knowing that soon we would be going to Her Majestys theatre...
And there we were...... Minutes from the show that has been named the most famous Love story ever told...Kate had been told a week before she knew what the suprise was, to go and buy her self a posh dress... she had the most amazing black dress, and she looked stunning... I felt like the luckiest woman alive to be sat where I was, and with Kate by my side... The night was perfect in every way.. Every song, every drum roll, we felt it all... Not many people can "do" Opera or Musicals... But this one means a lot to both myself and kate, and we felt it all.... It was the most powerful feeling netx to the obvious that two people can share at the same time....
And it was posh... Big... and the 7th floor suite was about to be used for the very first time... It was a new addition to the already extravagant hotel... Kate was blown... And that made it worth the day we had been through... although the day was far from over !!! I had decided that it would be nice to head off a little way out of the city to find a famous diner.. you know... the whole coach.. famous in films etc etc... I had a vague Idea where it was.. and off we limped (ok I limped) when we arrived off the tube, we were in what can only be described as the industrial part of the Thames... we asked people and no one had heard of the diner... Karen was called... and by phone she tried to get us to this god forsaken diner... again, my temper was slightly rising, those we asked had no idea... some plain just ignored us and some couldnt even understand what we were saying...... Two hours later, and I had managed to get a map... so.. biting my tongue.. we headed off in the right direction... Karen called us within minutes and politley informed us to turn around, as the diner had closed at 5 !!!!! so I cried.. I was gutted... this just wasnt going to plan.. we limped back into London city.. and kate decided we should eat and maybe try and calm down... We quickly popped into the chemist for some first aid for blisters and then stopped at the first decent place to eat.. The shoes came off, the coffee and food ordered.. and we could relax watching the goings on in the square.. Apart from some minor glitches... Kates steak arrived without chips..and she bit them down fast.. much to my amusement... my tiny scale of salmon arrived... and and tiny deserts with fake custard.. and then the Irish Coffee they couldnt make.. it turned out to be a very pleasant evening. Then we got back to the posh hotel.. decided to make the most of what was on offer and enjoy a nice soak in the bath... and maybe watch some tv.... except the tv didnt work... So.. My dilemma... do I pay through the nose for a room and not complain...or do I complain ??
Kate had the kids for the weekend of her birthday, so I couldnt do an awful lot on the day, however.. the weekend before and after were mine to do as I pleased... so I did.
Kate has a bucket list... one of those "Do before you die" checklists.. I wanted to hit a few of them for her... Part one... To arrange a romantic getaway.. The problem... getting the right place on the right date..and getting the kids sorted as the one night the hotel had.. was mid-week... typical...But with a few tweeks and phone calls... it was arranged... Next problem.. I wanted Kate to see where we were staying in daylight... not driving down after work, so with more tweeks and a very helpful Boss... Kate was to be collected early from work.. I arrived at 1pm.. to collect her... she didnt believe me when I said we were off to Cornwall... But we were and off we went... The manor speaks for itself...
It was quiet, romantic...
And perfect....The following Day we went to the Eden Project, The first tick on Kates list... It was amazing for me as it was for her.. The weather wasn't kind, but it ruined nothing. A fantastic suprise and a brilliant time.
Part two.
On the day of Kate's birthdaym, she went to work assuming that evening we would be having a quiet nite in with the kids.. she assumed Karen was working and her family were doing their own thing... Wrong... By the time I had collected her and made our way to KFC and back, her family had gathered at the house waiting to suprise her when we got back.... it was a great evening and kate found out what her present was from me.. Two Nights in luxury hotels in London, with a ticket to see Phantom of the opera & Kew gardens... I didnt expect tears, but Kate shed some that night. I had done it. I wanted so much to show her how much she meant to me, and although far from being materialistic, this was to be an amazing weekend..... lol but when do things ever go right ???
We left an hour early on the train, as kate didnt want to miss the connecting train, so we had plenty of time to enjoy breakfast in the sun in Bristol.. With plenty of time to catch our London train. Our first hotel was z hotel (soho)
These rooms were small, compact and so cosey.. and smack bang in the middle of Soho, 2 minutes from Kate's favourite Bar Soho... it really was better than I thought.. and Kate.. well she was blown away. We sat at Ed's Diner and watched the world go by.. waiting, knowing that soon we would be going to Her Majestys theatre... And there we were...... Minutes from the show that has been named the most famous Love story ever told...Kate had been told a week before she knew what the suprise was, to go and buy her self a posh dress... she had the most amazing black dress, and she looked stunning... I felt like the luckiest woman alive to be sat where I was, and with Kate by my side... The night was perfect in every way.. Every song, every drum roll, we felt it all... Not many people can "do" Opera or Musicals... But this one means a lot to both myself and kate, and we felt it all.... It was the most powerful feeling netx to the obvious that two people can share at the same time....
That Evening, we watched the world go by, soho people at their finest... The laughs, the tears, and the tantrums... A Perfect end to a perfect night.
Day two... was not to go as I had planned.... Like I said earlier.. Does it ever...
The idea was to have a nice relaxed breakfast and tube it to Richmond... check into Hobart Hall.. and make our way to kew.... This is how that went....
We missed breakfast.. to get to Kew faster for a nice relaxing dinner... We Arrived at Hobart hall...
I booked this luxury Hotel... for 2 reasons... Here they are...
Perfect... don't you think ??? Well, sadly we didnt hang around long enough to take the real pictures... Yes the front of the Hall did look like this... however not the bit you enter from, that looked like a dirty old brick bed n breakfast... the room we were given, was white.. and not a clean white.. the tv was over 50 years old, and I suspect a black and white one at that... Also what they didnt tell you was...we didnt actually get a room in the hall itself... to either side were newly built flatlets.. and not well kept... By now, I was struggling to maintain my temper.... I decided to take a moment and consider my options... Take a risk... and walk out, leaving us without anywhere to stay.. and stay and hope to make kate feel spoilt in some other way.. I might add at this point Kate was quite happy to stay... This however was not the idea.... The final straw was the toilet wobbled.. !!!! I took kate and we walked out...
So now, I bring Karen into the story.. I needed her to call Kew and find out if they had somewhere to store our cases so we didn't have to travel back into London until we had at least Visited Kew Gardens...
Then I was stopped on the street by a woman waving a clipboard, I needed the distraction so agreed to answer her questions, which she promised would last 5 minutes.. and we'd get a fiver.. why not I thought !!! Twenty minutes later, after eye scan's and fake shopping from a fake shop.... we left, with a crisp five pound note in our pockets... I was happy to go spend it on a coffee... Unknown to me... Kate had seethed from the moment I agreed to the research.... and she growled and seethed all the way to the coffee shop...and during and afterwards.... which I'm quite aware kate never does... but it has taught me never to answer any market researcher in the presence of Kate !!!!!!
Moving quickly on... we arrived at Kew, safely stored our bags.. and prepared for a nice day exploring... We had a lovely dinner there... and enjoyed a cold walk/bus around the glass houses...
These pictures are from Google... because this was not what we saw... wrong time of year maybe... or just the Hall/Joyce curse !!!!
However..... these we did see.... and although it was not bathed in colour... and although it was freezing cold... and a very messy set up.... we could both sit back and appreciate what this would of looked like back in it's heyday... and yet another tick on the list...
We collected our cases... and headed back into London.... the fear and dread hit me.. hard... this wasn't meant to be like this.. it was meant to be perfect and flowing... and all that was happening, was my blister was getting bigger and I was struggling to walk !!! I suggested we stopped at Piccadily thinking it would be easy to find a place to stay.... slowly I came to the conclusion that something drastic needed doing to save this weekend.... So the first hotel we found.. I would get us into it...!!!
Luckily for us... It was the Royal Trafalger...
And it was posh... Big... and the 7th floor suite was about to be used for the very first time... It was a new addition to the already extravagant hotel... Kate was blown... And that made it worth the day we had been through... although the day was far from over !!! I had decided that it would be nice to head off a little way out of the city to find a famous diner.. you know... the whole coach.. famous in films etc etc... I had a vague Idea where it was.. and off we limped (ok I limped) when we arrived off the tube, we were in what can only be described as the industrial part of the Thames... we asked people and no one had heard of the diner... Karen was called... and by phone she tried to get us to this god forsaken diner... again, my temper was slightly rising, those we asked had no idea... some plain just ignored us and some couldnt even understand what we were saying...... Two hours later, and I had managed to get a map... so.. biting my tongue.. we headed off in the right direction... Karen called us within minutes and politley informed us to turn around, as the diner had closed at 5 !!!!! so I cried.. I was gutted... this just wasnt going to plan.. we limped back into London city.. and kate decided we should eat and maybe try and calm down... We quickly popped into the chemist for some first aid for blisters and then stopped at the first decent place to eat.. The shoes came off, the coffee and food ordered.. and we could relax watching the goings on in the square.. Apart from some minor glitches... Kates steak arrived without chips..and she bit them down fast.. much to my amusement... my tiny scale of salmon arrived... and and tiny deserts with fake custard.. and then the Irish Coffee they couldnt make.. it turned out to be a very pleasant evening. Then we got back to the posh hotel.. decided to make the most of what was on offer and enjoy a nice soak in the bath... and maybe watch some tv.... except the tv didnt work... So.. My dilemma... do I pay through the nose for a room and not complain...or do I complain ??I called reception... several times.. before heading down myself... within minutes we had a man in our room trying to fix the tv.. which he couldnt do..so dragged one from the other room into the bedroom !! go figure.
Day Three.
We had ordered breakfast in bed.. and by half nine, it still hadnt appeared.. so I checked to see if it had been taken from our door... suprise suprise.. it was still there !!! Another call to receptiona and another complaint and we had our breakfast within 15 minutes...
After checking out and earning ourselves a free upgrade to an empire suite the next time we stayed in a thistle and some money off the bill..... not so bad...
We had a couple of hours to kill before meeting Kate's brother, so we decided that a nice cruise in the sun would finish the morning off.... It was perfect...and a different way to look at London.. we were pushing for time, but we made it with minutes to spare... John & Bex (kates brother & wife) took us to the Ice Bar..
It was amazing... cold... but amazing... everything made of ice... even the glasses !!!
We drank... lots..some cocktails were nice.. some were terrible... after 40 minutes we had to leave, so we headed back to our hotel with John n Bex to have a final drink before we left..
That last drink probably tipped us over the edge... and before we knew it, we had 30 minutes to get to our train to get us home... and this while half cut !!!!
We must of cut a blistering trail through London, with our suitcases flying through the air and knocking into A boards and people as we went.... but we made our train..
Although things never went to plan.. and although things may never ever go to plan with me and Kate and our away days... they are something to remember... they are something to learn from..
But most of all, I spent a magical few days with the woman I fall in love with again..everytime I wake up to a new day. You can't pay for that. You can however learn to avoid Market researchers...
This Blog is dedicated to you Kate.. You are my everything x
Thursday, 2 February 2012
A realisation of sorts.. and friends and family past and present..
A new year and a busy start by all accounts. 3 jobs in the pipeline, one of which I've just completed the second part of training for, and about to start on nuclear clearance paperwork. So for me.. finally things are looking up. My grandfathers affairs and estates have come to a tidy conclusion. And my home life couldn't be any better.
So.. why the need to blog ? Because I took myself off for a walk today and listening to music I got to thinking, surely somewhere along the line, some people outside of my circle, will realise how fake they really are. This isn't a scathing dig at anyone in particular, however as they say.. If the cap fits.. then wear it. I have been friends with a lot of people, and fallen out with less than I actually thought.
Let me take you back to when I was a kid, can you ever remember the first friend you had ? That very first feeling as a child that you cared for someone else, other than your mum. My friend was Hannah.. The memories are vague, but I recall she had something to do with Germany, maybe her father was based there ( I never remember seeing the daddy) we used to play regularly and I think she was into Duplo at the time !! We went to a christian club and she fell and grazed her knee.. I cried for her.. and at that age I couldn't understand why. Now as an adult I realise it was genuine feelings.. Sadly, Hannah left town soon after and I have no way of tracing her now. But she is and will always be a memory. From then til now.. I sit and think about all the friends I've made.. and because of a few "recent" but "past" friends.. I wonder who is real and who is false. It's just one of my many thoughts I often have when alone. Which is probably why I'm not alone very much..
I've never been one to really shy at feelings.. and if I feel.. I normally tell.. and that's probably where I've gotten into hot spots !!
But in recent events.. I have realised the woman that I thought I hated... I don't. And I guess I don't even pity her either. For the past year plus, I've thought the only problem I had was to deal with my anger towards her, when in actual fact it was to deal with the feelings I still have.. and the same goes for all my past friends.. at some point in time.. I had to of had real genuine feelings for each and everyone of them.. I don't do false.. they were as real then as they are today. They just have changed or subsided.. That in itself was a huge turning point for me alone. It makes it easier to deal with, easier to cope with.. From the start.. the girl who bullied me at school would be the first I thought to hate, but I don't, because there has to be a reason for her behaviour.. I was strong enough to take her beatings then and now I know given the chance in a ring.. I could floor her in minutes.. therefore there is no anger or hatred towards her. The first woman I loved... wasn't love, it was a novelty.. as much for her as it was for me. Kaz... who I spent 10 years with.. I still love today and will continue to do so... we did after all go through so much together I know that a 3am phone call for help wouldn't phase her in the slightest. Karen.. is now and forever my best friend. Di.. on my part the feelings were real and going through the emails sent from her during and after our relationship I believe at some point then.. she was genuine.. so any frustrations over the business and the way things ended no longer matter. Then we have more recent friends.. or ex friends which ever way you wish to phrase it... Jay and Lyndsay.. so many times I was warned.. so many times I was told by friends and family to stay away.. but I trusted not only my judgement.. but my gut feelings.. I loved them both then as I probably stupidly do now. Jay had a sense of humour next to none.. and somewhere deep inside a warmth that was hidden away.. I enjoyed spending time with her, she taught me so many things both good and bad.. I learnt to have confidence in my abilities to learn and listen.. I hope at some point she maybe learnt something from me. Lyndsay.. There isn't much to say.. The quiet demeanour and calm exterior betrayed a total lack of faith in anything including herself.. her humour was and is as dry as they come and only the sharpest of wits could hold or even match her in conversation. They are as suited now as they were a year ago.. I just wish they could of seen it from where me and my friends could see it.
And finally the biggest hurt of all.. That would be the affair.. I look back at it all and wonder why I was so blind.. what made me believe every word she said.. kaz warned me, even Di warned me.. everyone I trusted I refused to listen to... and now she sits as she probably always did, In the Somerset and Dorset. with her husband.. in their rich little world, with false little friends. and a hope for a false future.. until someone else like me comes along.. someone stronger, someone who wont be so willing to run out of town.. someone who isn't too far off. I don't think I love her.. But I don't hate her, and I don't pity her either. I looked into the eyes of the woman I will marry today and I realised.. although I have past feelings.. I know this is the woman I want to be with... I would protect her and the kids with all that I am. I don't have to hide it... I don't have to keep secrets from her children or her friends..
Her family is as much mine as hers.. and I'd choose her cousin as my family in a heartbeat as opposed to the friends I've lost.
Today I burnt a diary... the diary I had kept for so long... not because I want to forget.. But because I never want anyone to see who stupid I could of been to trust other people who in turn have been spiteful, deceitful and childish.
From the likes of the rowdys, the debs, the Becky's and the Leanne's.. although we are not in contact daily... I know I could call you all at 3am... and without question you would answer...
That is something to be proud of.
So.. why the need to blog ? Because I took myself off for a walk today and listening to music I got to thinking, surely somewhere along the line, some people outside of my circle, will realise how fake they really are. This isn't a scathing dig at anyone in particular, however as they say.. If the cap fits.. then wear it. I have been friends with a lot of people, and fallen out with less than I actually thought.
Let me take you back to when I was a kid, can you ever remember the first friend you had ? That very first feeling as a child that you cared for someone else, other than your mum. My friend was Hannah.. The memories are vague, but I recall she had something to do with Germany, maybe her father was based there ( I never remember seeing the daddy) we used to play regularly and I think she was into Duplo at the time !! We went to a christian club and she fell and grazed her knee.. I cried for her.. and at that age I couldn't understand why. Now as an adult I realise it was genuine feelings.. Sadly, Hannah left town soon after and I have no way of tracing her now. But she is and will always be a memory. From then til now.. I sit and think about all the friends I've made.. and because of a few "recent" but "past" friends.. I wonder who is real and who is false. It's just one of my many thoughts I often have when alone. Which is probably why I'm not alone very much..
I've never been one to really shy at feelings.. and if I feel.. I normally tell.. and that's probably where I've gotten into hot spots !!
But in recent events.. I have realised the woman that I thought I hated... I don't. And I guess I don't even pity her either. For the past year plus, I've thought the only problem I had was to deal with my anger towards her, when in actual fact it was to deal with the feelings I still have.. and the same goes for all my past friends.. at some point in time.. I had to of had real genuine feelings for each and everyone of them.. I don't do false.. they were as real then as they are today. They just have changed or subsided.. That in itself was a huge turning point for me alone. It makes it easier to deal with, easier to cope with.. From the start.. the girl who bullied me at school would be the first I thought to hate, but I don't, because there has to be a reason for her behaviour.. I was strong enough to take her beatings then and now I know given the chance in a ring.. I could floor her in minutes.. therefore there is no anger or hatred towards her. The first woman I loved... wasn't love, it was a novelty.. as much for her as it was for me. Kaz... who I spent 10 years with.. I still love today and will continue to do so... we did after all go through so much together I know that a 3am phone call for help wouldn't phase her in the slightest. Karen.. is now and forever my best friend. Di.. on my part the feelings were real and going through the emails sent from her during and after our relationship I believe at some point then.. she was genuine.. so any frustrations over the business and the way things ended no longer matter. Then we have more recent friends.. or ex friends which ever way you wish to phrase it... Jay and Lyndsay.. so many times I was warned.. so many times I was told by friends and family to stay away.. but I trusted not only my judgement.. but my gut feelings.. I loved them both then as I probably stupidly do now. Jay had a sense of humour next to none.. and somewhere deep inside a warmth that was hidden away.. I enjoyed spending time with her, she taught me so many things both good and bad.. I learnt to have confidence in my abilities to learn and listen.. I hope at some point she maybe learnt something from me. Lyndsay.. There isn't much to say.. The quiet demeanour and calm exterior betrayed a total lack of faith in anything including herself.. her humour was and is as dry as they come and only the sharpest of wits could hold or even match her in conversation. They are as suited now as they were a year ago.. I just wish they could of seen it from where me and my friends could see it.
And finally the biggest hurt of all.. That would be the affair.. I look back at it all and wonder why I was so blind.. what made me believe every word she said.. kaz warned me, even Di warned me.. everyone I trusted I refused to listen to... and now she sits as she probably always did, In the Somerset and Dorset. with her husband.. in their rich little world, with false little friends. and a hope for a false future.. until someone else like me comes along.. someone stronger, someone who wont be so willing to run out of town.. someone who isn't too far off. I don't think I love her.. But I don't hate her, and I don't pity her either. I looked into the eyes of the woman I will marry today and I realised.. although I have past feelings.. I know this is the woman I want to be with... I would protect her and the kids with all that I am. I don't have to hide it... I don't have to keep secrets from her children or her friends..
Her family is as much mine as hers.. and I'd choose her cousin as my family in a heartbeat as opposed to the friends I've lost.
Today I burnt a diary... the diary I had kept for so long... not because I want to forget.. But because I never want anyone to see who stupid I could of been to trust other people who in turn have been spiteful, deceitful and childish.
From the likes of the rowdys, the debs, the Becky's and the Leanne's.. although we are not in contact daily... I know I could call you all at 3am... and without question you would answer...
That is something to be proud of.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Asda... and mistakes...part II.
A while ago I couldn't of written this how I would of wanted to, because I was still employed by Asda, and stupidly along with the rest of their stupid policy's, you cannot write a blog/status/tweet about anything disrespectful of Asda/Walmart.. or you get into trouble. !! A cover up at it's best... But now I no longer work there and I can say what I want. So here it is.
I joined Asda in Highbridge as it was born and created. It was exciting and I thought it would be new starts and new chances to get over the past year. I started work too early after my mum passed and I didn't have the financial need to work either as I had money that my mum had left. With hindsight this was a bad move all over. But I thought then I was doing the right thing. It was an amazing thing to be a part of. and everyone was buzzing for the the new shop to open, the managers were excited, they treated us well, we were trained, we were looked after and most of all, the managers made us feel like we were part of something big and we were useful and needed. This dream would be dashed within weeks. I worked on the night shift and it really was my dream job, I know that sounds sad, but with o.c.d and bpd (which I didn't know at the time) filling shelves and making all the items neat was brilliant for me, I took pride in whatever I did and I worked hard. To start with everyone got along on nights as so often happens in a new group. The night managers Jason and Andy were a breath of life. They were funny, they worked and they taught us slowly what we needed to know, soon enough we become a well oiled team.. and we finished the shop floor with pride and were thanked many times for what we had achieved. However, things started slipping when it transpired that Andy was having an affair with one of the night shift, now although this breaks all the rules within the company, no one had an issue with it. Until they started leaving the shop floor together for hours.. work started to slip and no one was happy about it. I was given the shop floor more than once while they disappeared.. but this wasn't enough, we were still new and still needed direction. There was an issue on the shop floor that no one could solve, so I went to find our manager, thinking he was having a smoke or drink with the colleague in question I went off to find them.. and I did.. having sex on a table in the computer room.... now anyone could of walked in on them.. but it was me. Nothing was said and I left my shift that night disillusioned and let down. I had told kaz what was happening who in turn reported back to the store manager, where it was brushed aside. I put my head down and got on with my job. Sparks started to fly within the team as splits became obvious. Jason and I used to slip off for a smoke regularly and this also never went down well. But I wasn't about to complain. It turned out in the end, he was on cocaine and was asked to leave. Andy left also. It was a shame as Jason was a pretty cool guy and i had a lot of time for him.
From what I can remember, It was Di that came along next. Now this was fun, she was attractive, and had a sense of humour next to none. We clicked straight away and we worked well together. We ran through work like it was nothing and a friendship formed. None of the other team liked this at all, as she was the manager and I was a colleague. I was however on Jason and Andy's terms a key colleague..
This didn't make a difference and was just a jumped up name for dogs body.
Everyone thought I was being treated differently.. I wish they'd understood that I worked harder and that working with Di, we were able to complete 3 aisles in the space it took them to finish one. But that didn't help either and the bitching started. the complaints were made and it started to get nasty. People didn't like the laughter, this is a true complaint made.. we laugh too much !!
By now, Di and I had become close outside of work and no one liked this either, But i was oblivious, Di had a spark and we enjoyed each others company. She was married and had kids, and when ever we could we headed off into town and drank.. Her husband (Ian) started getting jealous and stopping me in the car whenever he could asking what he'd done wrong.. It was a bad situation as the more he seemed to get possessive and jealous the more Di pushed and pushed. We drank heavy and we partied, we had fun and for me it was pure escapism.
We ended up sleeping together after a night drinking.... But I was still with Karen and Di, although my friend, was my manager. It never fitted and it was only going to end in total disaster. But I couldn't or didn't stop it for whatever reasons. Our life became entwined with alcohol and lies. Work was affected in as far as her decisions, the complaints that were made and it drew out long enough for it to come down to a decision within work. One of us had to leave.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, she left her husband and we all moved in together. me, Di and Karen and Di's kids. For me.. i was more materialistic, so I enjoyed the new big house.. but it became harder and harder to live like this and it was killing everyone. Di became more possessive, Karen became withdrawn and I, was being a prize bitch to everyone.
Now I'm not saying we didn't all have good times, we did and alot of them. But it was all pretence and fake. and eating me up. Something had to give. I left Asda to start my own business.. and Karen and I split up.
It was a mess in the biggest form. Everyone had to move. I moved to Burnham, Di moved to Bridgwater and Karen's place fell through and she moved in with me.
Raised eyebrows.. yes I know. It was not an easy place to be. But... and there will always be a but. Karen and I became best of friends, we had each others backs as we do now. and she moved into her own place and we talked. Di became possessive and hated the fact I was still even talking to Karen, I didn't like it and Di and my friendship came to a close. Due to my business we had one year of working together within the business, but it became apparent we didn't want be in the same room as each other. The business was folded and we are no longer even on speaking terms.
And me and Karen.. well.. at the same time she found out I was having an affair in Burnham with someone she questioned me about Di, so I told the truth. I had messed up, and no doubt it wouldn't be the last time. I can never apologise enough to Karen for what happened and I have no excuses for why it started, continued and ended. But I do know this.. anyone else would of walked away. Karen didn't and hasn't. And has remained to this day my best friend.
I joined Asda in Highbridge as it was born and created. It was exciting and I thought it would be new starts and new chances to get over the past year. I started work too early after my mum passed and I didn't have the financial need to work either as I had money that my mum had left. With hindsight this was a bad move all over. But I thought then I was doing the right thing. It was an amazing thing to be a part of. and everyone was buzzing for the the new shop to open, the managers were excited, they treated us well, we were trained, we were looked after and most of all, the managers made us feel like we were part of something big and we were useful and needed. This dream would be dashed within weeks. I worked on the night shift and it really was my dream job, I know that sounds sad, but with o.c.d and bpd (which I didn't know at the time) filling shelves and making all the items neat was brilliant for me, I took pride in whatever I did and I worked hard. To start with everyone got along on nights as so often happens in a new group. The night managers Jason and Andy were a breath of life. They were funny, they worked and they taught us slowly what we needed to know, soon enough we become a well oiled team.. and we finished the shop floor with pride and were thanked many times for what we had achieved. However, things started slipping when it transpired that Andy was having an affair with one of the night shift, now although this breaks all the rules within the company, no one had an issue with it. Until they started leaving the shop floor together for hours.. work started to slip and no one was happy about it. I was given the shop floor more than once while they disappeared.. but this wasn't enough, we were still new and still needed direction. There was an issue on the shop floor that no one could solve, so I went to find our manager, thinking he was having a smoke or drink with the colleague in question I went off to find them.. and I did.. having sex on a table in the computer room.... now anyone could of walked in on them.. but it was me. Nothing was said and I left my shift that night disillusioned and let down. I had told kaz what was happening who in turn reported back to the store manager, where it was brushed aside. I put my head down and got on with my job. Sparks started to fly within the team as splits became obvious. Jason and I used to slip off for a smoke regularly and this also never went down well. But I wasn't about to complain. It turned out in the end, he was on cocaine and was asked to leave. Andy left also. It was a shame as Jason was a pretty cool guy and i had a lot of time for him.
From what I can remember, It was Di that came along next. Now this was fun, she was attractive, and had a sense of humour next to none. We clicked straight away and we worked well together. We ran through work like it was nothing and a friendship formed. None of the other team liked this at all, as she was the manager and I was a colleague. I was however on Jason and Andy's terms a key colleague..
This didn't make a difference and was just a jumped up name for dogs body.
Everyone thought I was being treated differently.. I wish they'd understood that I worked harder and that working with Di, we were able to complete 3 aisles in the space it took them to finish one. But that didn't help either and the bitching started. the complaints were made and it started to get nasty. People didn't like the laughter, this is a true complaint made.. we laugh too much !!
By now, Di and I had become close outside of work and no one liked this either, But i was oblivious, Di had a spark and we enjoyed each others company. She was married and had kids, and when ever we could we headed off into town and drank.. Her husband (Ian) started getting jealous and stopping me in the car whenever he could asking what he'd done wrong.. It was a bad situation as the more he seemed to get possessive and jealous the more Di pushed and pushed. We drank heavy and we partied, we had fun and for me it was pure escapism.
We ended up sleeping together after a night drinking.... But I was still with Karen and Di, although my friend, was my manager. It never fitted and it was only going to end in total disaster. But I couldn't or didn't stop it for whatever reasons. Our life became entwined with alcohol and lies. Work was affected in as far as her decisions, the complaints that were made and it drew out long enough for it to come down to a decision within work. One of us had to leave.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, she left her husband and we all moved in together. me, Di and Karen and Di's kids. For me.. i was more materialistic, so I enjoyed the new big house.. but it became harder and harder to live like this and it was killing everyone. Di became more possessive, Karen became withdrawn and I, was being a prize bitch to everyone.
Now I'm not saying we didn't all have good times, we did and alot of them. But it was all pretence and fake. and eating me up. Something had to give. I left Asda to start my own business.. and Karen and I split up.
It was a mess in the biggest form. Everyone had to move. I moved to Burnham, Di moved to Bridgwater and Karen's place fell through and she moved in with me.
Raised eyebrows.. yes I know. It was not an easy place to be. But... and there will always be a but. Karen and I became best of friends, we had each others backs as we do now. and she moved into her own place and we talked. Di became possessive and hated the fact I was still even talking to Karen, I didn't like it and Di and my friendship came to a close. Due to my business we had one year of working together within the business, but it became apparent we didn't want be in the same room as each other. The business was folded and we are no longer even on speaking terms.
And me and Karen.. well.. at the same time she found out I was having an affair in Burnham with someone she questioned me about Di, so I told the truth. I had messed up, and no doubt it wouldn't be the last time. I can never apologise enough to Karen for what happened and I have no excuses for why it started, continued and ended. But I do know this.. anyone else would of walked away. Karen didn't and hasn't. And has remained to this day my best friend.
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