The Death Of a Parent.

*This blog has been left, not because I forgot or not because I was too busy.. But because I knew what was coming next... The hardest part is knowing people are reading this, and that not one or two people, but several people have asked me not to stop the blog.. so with them and my continuing journey.. this.. is the next step.

My earliest memories are fogged.. I have glimpses into my youth occasionally.. flash backs from a time when things I thought were easier. I have smells of playschool... play doh and crayons... poster paint and that strange almost sour milk smell that will bring me right back to my childhood.. stood in the hall, holding my mums hand.. her guiding me to go play..  My Independence had begun...
I recall summer days of playing in the garden with one of the numerous dogs we had, or peat and lolly sticks and water... winter nights of snuggling with my mum and smells of oranges and brandy.. somewhere along the way, my baby brother came along.. I don't think he was as much of an impact on my life then as people would imagine... I doted on him then as I do now.. but now at 6ft I have to admit to looking up to him, in more ways than I can begin to explain.
He just fitted right in along side the general life of the household... when he was old enough it was the pair of us that mum had to deal with.. skimmed knees and grazed hands from the many karts or dens we tried building.. there were many days we'd get into bother.. and we were patched up and sent on our way, by our endlessly worried mum..
My brother and I had our own paths.. and we trod them tirelessly.. My path was more of a maze.. and led me into so many journeys that would take more time than I care to give to explain them all away !!  I had no path... On my first day of school.. I was given new books... inside each cover was carefully written this...
Your future lies before you,
like a path of driven snow,
Be careful how you tread it,
for every step will show.

My mum, taught me this poem, and if only I knew then what I know now, my path maybe would of taken a very different direction.
But.. as it turns out.. I have but a few regrets.. I was sent to boarding school at the tender age of 12. To this day, I will never truly understand why.. but I knew that somewhere between 7 and 12.. things went wrong at home.. I used to wake up in the middle of the night hearing my mum and step dad fight.. I'd hear the door and I felt the most unimaginable panic rip through me, I'd run to the window and see her walking away, I'd scream.. she'd hear and come right back... This was a regular occurrence and it has imprinted firmly on my mind even now as an adult. My mum and I drifted apart, or maybe it was me that drifted... can you drift at that age ??
Boarding school, is another story.. But I began to grow.. to listen to my guide, and to rebel against everything that was thrown at me. I was not the same as the people I went to school with, I was not rich.. I was not a princess..
(this was after all, A very private, very elite school)
I was not one of the 1200 girls.. I was.. in fact in my element !!
But I saw my mum little in the 3 years I was there. I grew to be fiercely defencive of my friends which I still Carry to this day, I became an independent growing child at 12, 13 and 14... I strived to be the best, I excelled in sports, I played for the county, in games other kids would never have the chance to do, I played for the county in Archery, rounders and finally I was a year away from Olympic grading in Fencing... I was making something of myself.
Then I slipped, through reasons that will be explained some other time.. I was caught having underage sex.. consensual I will point out.. and was asked not to return to the school next term. I was not expelled, I was merely asked to leave.

So.. a 14 year old, well spoken, sexually aware, independent girl arrived back home, to be put into a public day school, with all the people I had grown up with as a child. This was never going to be an easy transition.
But at home... my mum took it all, the anger, the resentment, the phases I went through, all this and bringing up my brother at the same time.
My mum and I were never friends, we never talked, there was an unspoken agreement, as soon as it was feasibly legal, I would find my own place.. until then you are stuck with me !!! 
I don't know what it was like living through all this from the outside, I never asked my brother, or my step father or even my grand parents, at the time, I assumed I was just "in the way".
I didn't wait for legality to get in my way, by 15 i was sleeping with my mums best friend and moved in with her.
To this day, I have no idea what kind of an impact this had on anyone in my family.. It lasted a couple of years and then I moved on. My mum and I  had begun to build bridges, she was now with my real father of whom I have never and will never have any kind of relationship with. But despite his jealousy over my mum and I's ever growing friendship, we became friends again, and in good time, because it was shortly after that I fell in love and kaz became my right hand. I had an ally at last.. and in time, my mum took kaz as her own and our friendship became stronger.
As much I had my own pre set path to wander, at this point in my life I strived for my mum to be proud of me, she didn't know half of what was achieved at school, but i wanted her to be proud that I was me, proud of my ever growing relationship for kaz. Because of this almost obsessive want or need for my mums pride in me, I never went far from home.. until now.. I had to make a choice in a split second, and I made the choice. I had to go to Ireland with Kaz to fight custody of her children. There was no hesitation. It was and has been the biggest thing I have ever had to do in my life. And it was the turning point in my path of life.
It was in hindsight the best thing I could ever do.  During the few years of being In Ireland we went through a lot, from our house being destroyed by fire, from court battles as a regular thing, following the 4 year story of custody In Northern Ireland, in itself will one day make a book.. but when we all returned to England, children and all.. My mum was my best friend. And this was to get stronger as the years went on. We talked, we shared we laughed and we loved. When she lost her mum, it was me she wanted by her side. I could reach her, where others failed. She was my mum and I would protect her from anything and anyone. After my youth, I felt I owed her more than I could ever give.

This time.. (September/October) 5 years ago.. My mum changed.
She became increasingly confused, signed her texts off with her name, rather than mum, called me to tell me she was miles from home, when I knew she was tucked up at home.
My dad for the first time, asked for my help.
I remember after he talked to me, that things weren't right with my mum.. I recall sat at the table pleading with her in tears, to see a doctor.. it was then in her eyes, I saw her fear, I saw she knew something was wrong.
Within days she had been to the doctors, and was then sent straight to yeovil Hospital, within hours to be sent to Frenchay... This was serious, Frenchay specialised in neurological problems.
I don't know the order of things from here on in, I don't remember dates/times/places...
I remember visiting everyday without fail, and sitting with my mum, talking about everything and nothing.
I know she was getting worse.. I was asked by the nurses to see if I could get my mum to lie still for a scan, as they just couldn't do it.  It was hard talking to my mum like a child, and through choked up tears, I convinced her to do it.. I held her hand through the scan.
The things we think of at the strangest of times sometimes make no sense, it was as she climbed off the bed, that her gown dropped, and I saw my mum naked for the first time since I was a baby.. It didn't shock me that she was naked, or that this was my mum, what shocked me was that she didn't react.. to her in her state this was normal. I covered her back up and put her back in her bed.
Days later, my father and I were called to the hospital.. at this time, my father and I had built a strange kind of relationship.. in all things.. he was hurting for the woman he loved, and that woman was my mum.
We were taken into a small room, and I knew at the time, that in all the hospital shows I've ever watched, this is where they tell you something bad. But I brushed it aside and barely remember the words he said.. Brain tumour.. we cant operate.. weeks... maybe.
Life blurred.. this was my mum.. my best friend.. He had to be wrong. There had to be a mistake.
I didn't break down, I didn't cry. I left the room and went to my mum, hugged her, told her I loved her, and that I'd see her tomorrow.
I got into my car.. which at the time was a prelude high speed sports car.. and I hit the motorway like I had the devil behind me. And I drove. I drove like I had no future, like I had no past. Then I stopped, and then I cried. And I never really stopped crying.
Mum stayed there for a while so they could monitor the tumour. Then she was moved to a hospice nearer to home. I hated this.. it was a place people came to die. and I truly despised my father for having her put there.
It became my every living and breathing hell.
I visited, I hated seeing my mum slowly lose her grip on everything. She no longer had the smooth shaved legs she used to, so I shaved them, and it has to of been the strangest thing I've ever done, almost surreal. Her nails were cut shaped, I knew people around me were trying to help.. It was as if they sensed/knew that she wasn't the person she used to be. I was losing her.
From here on it, we had time blocks.. would she make it to my brothers birthday?  Oct 30. would she make it to mine?Nov 28. Christmas.. New year.. her birthday Jan 19th ???? 
She was moved out of the hospice and back home, where she was cared for by my father and carers came in twice daily to assist in things, administer drugs and suchlike..
On the 9th January, at about midday, I was out with Karen shopping, Over the course of the past months I had learnt for my own sanity that I needed to take a break from visiting my mum..and one day a week, I'd fight the heavy burden of guilt and stay away, Personally I don't think it helped me any, but today was one of these days where I agreed, that I didn't want to go visit.
Karen had other plans, she said we should go. Someone somewhere had plans.
As I walked through the door, I saw my mums face and I knew.. People will often say they know.. and I never believed them.. Until this point in my life.
She struggled for breath, It was almost like she waited..
I held her hand, told her it was OK, I told her I loved her.

At 1pm Jan 9th 2007.
My mum, My best friend,took her last breath.

5 years have past, and that day and the months leading to that day will forever remain burnt into my every memory.
I have learnt to fight my own battles.
I have learnt to appreciate life/nature and all that it holds.
I have inherited many qualities, I can craft, I can cook.
I can love, forgive and grieve.. even now.
My mum gave me the gift of life, and I choose not to waste it or have anyone tell me how to live it.

I have become the woman my mum would be proud of.

Kate's Birthday suprise.. Cornwall / London 2012.

So.... the plan was to arrange something I knew Kate wanted, something to make her go wow.. something special.. and well thought out.. This.. is how it went.
Kate had the kids for the weekend of her birthday, so I couldnt do an awful lot on the day, however.. the weekend before and after were mine to do as I pleased... so I did.

Kate has a bucket list... one of those "Do before you die" checklists.. I wanted to hit a few of them for her... Part one... To arrange a romantic getaway.. The problem... getting the right place on the right date..and getting the kids sorted as the one night the hotel had.. was mid-week... typical...But with a few tweeks and phone calls... it was arranged... Next problem.. I wanted Kate to see where we were staying in daylight... not driving down after work, so with more tweeks and a very helpful Boss... Kate was to be collected early from work.. I arrived at 1pm.. to collect her... she didnt believe me when I said we were off to Cornwall... But we were and off we went... The manor speaks for itself...

It was quiet, romantic...

And perfect....

The following Day we went to the Eden Project, The first tick on Kates list... It was amazing for me as it was for her.. The weather wasn't kind, but it ruined nothing. A fantastic suprise and a brilliant time.

Part two.

On the day of Kate's birthdaym, she went to work assuming that evening we would be having a quiet nite in with the kids.. she assumed Karen was working and her family were doing their own thing... Wrong... By the time I had collected her and made our way to KFC and back, her family had gathered at the house waiting to suprise her when we got back.... it was a great evening and kate found out what her present was from me.. Two Nights in luxury hotels in London, with a ticket to see Phantom of the opera & Kew gardens... I didnt expect tears, but Kate shed some that night. I had done it. I wanted so much to show her how much she meant to me, and although far from being materialistic, this was to be an amazing weekend..... lol but when do things ever go right ???

We left an hour early on the train, as kate didnt want to miss the connecting train, so we had plenty of time to enjoy breakfast in the sun in Bristol.. With plenty of time to catch our London train. Our first hotel was z hotel (soho)

These rooms were small, compact and so cosey.. and smack bang in the middle of Soho, 2 minutes from Kate's favourite Bar Soho... it really was better than I thought.. and Kate.. well she was blown away. We sat at Ed's Diner and watched the world go by.. waiting, knowing that soon we would be going to Her Majestys theatre...

And there we were...... Minutes from the show that has been named the most famous Love story ever told...Kate had been told a week before she knew what the suprise was, to go and buy her self a posh dress... she had the most amazing black dress, and she looked stunning... I felt like the luckiest woman alive to be sat where I was, and with Kate by my side... The night was perfect in every way.. Every song, every drum roll, we felt it all... Not many people can "do" Opera or Musicals... But this one means a lot to both myself and kate, and we felt it all.... It was the most powerful feeling netx to the obvious that two people can share at the same time....

That Evening, we watched the world go by, soho people at their finest... The laughs, the tears, and the tantrums... A Perfect end to a perfect night.

Day two... was not to go as I had planned.... Like I said earlier.. Does it ever...

The idea was to have a nice relaxed breakfast and tube it to Richmond... check into Hobart Hall.. and make our way to kew.... This is how that went....

We missed breakfast.. to get to Kew faster for a nice relaxing dinner... We Arrived at Hobart hall...

I booked this luxury Hotel... for 2 reasons... Here they are...

Perfect... don't you think ???  Well, sadly we didnt hang around long enough to take the real pictures... Yes the front of the Hall did look like this... however not the bit you enter from, that looked like a dirty old brick bed n breakfast... the room we were given, was white.. and not a clean white.. the tv was over 50 years old, and I suspect a black and white one at that... Also what they didnt tell you was...we didnt actually get a room in the hall itself... to either side were newly built flatlets.. and not well kept... By now, I was struggling to maintain my temper.... I decided to take a moment and consider my options... Take a risk... and walk out, leaving us without anywhere to stay.. and stay and hope to make kate feel spoilt in some other way.. I might add at this point Kate was quite happy to stay... This however was not the idea.... The final straw was the toilet wobbled.. !!!! I took kate and we walked out...

So now, I bring Karen into the story.. I needed her to call Kew and find out if they had somewhere to store our cases so we didn't have to travel back into London until we had at least Visited Kew Gardens... 

Then I was stopped on the street by a woman waving a clipboard, I needed the distraction so agreed to answer her questions, which she promised would last 5 minutes.. and we'd get a fiver.. why not I thought !!!    Twenty minutes later, after eye scan's and fake shopping from a fake shop.... we left, with a crisp five pound note in our pockets... I was happy to go spend it on a coffee... Unknown to me... Kate had seethed from the moment I agreed to the research.... and she growled and seethed all the way to the coffee shop...and during and afterwards.... which I'm quite aware kate never does... but it has taught me never to answer any market researcher in the presence of Kate !!!!!!

Moving quickly on... we arrived at Kew, safely stored our bags.. and prepared for a nice day exploring... We had a lovely dinner there... and enjoyed a cold walk/bus around the glass houses...

These pictures are from Google... because this was not what we saw... wrong time of year maybe... or just the Hall/Joyce curse !!!!

However..... these we did see.... and although it was not bathed in colour... and although it was freezing cold... and a very messy set up.... we could both sit back and appreciate what this would of looked like back in it's heyday... and yet another tick on the list...

We collected our cases... and headed back into London.... the fear and dread hit me.. hard... this wasn't meant to be like this.. it was meant to be perfect and flowing... and all that was happening, was my blister was getting bigger and I was struggling to walk !!!  I suggested we stopped at Piccadily thinking it would be easy to find a place to stay.... slowly I came to the conclusion that something drastic needed doing to save this weekend.... So the first hotel we found.. I would get us into it...!!!

Luckily for us... It was the Royal Trafalger...

And it was posh... Big... and the 7th floor suite was about to be used for the very first time... It was a new addition to the already extravagant hotel... Kate was blown... And that made it worth the day we had been through... although the day was far from over !!!  I had decided that it would be nice to head off a little way out of the city to find a famous diner.. you know... the whole coach.. famous in films etc etc... I had a vague Idea where it was.. and off we limped (ok I limped) when we arrived off the tube, we were in what can only be described as the industrial part of the Thames... we asked people and no one had heard of the diner... Karen was called... and by phone she tried to get us to this god forsaken diner... again, my temper was slightly rising, those we asked had no idea... some plain just ignored us and some couldnt even understand what we were saying...... Two hours later, and I had managed to get a map... so.. biting my tongue.. we headed off in the right direction... Karen called us within minutes and politley informed us to turn around, as the diner had closed at 5 !!!!!   so I cried.. I was gutted... this just wasnt going to plan.. we limped back into London city.. and kate decided we should eat and maybe try and calm down... We quickly popped into the chemist for some first aid for blisters and then stopped at the first decent place to eat.. The shoes came off, the coffee and food ordered.. and we could relax watching the goings on in the square.. Apart from some minor glitches... Kates steak arrived without chips..and she bit them down fast.. much to my amusement... my tiny scale of salmon arrived... and and tiny deserts with fake custard.. and then the Irish Coffee they couldnt make.. it turned out to be a very pleasant evening. Then we got back to the posh hotel.. decided to make the most of what was on offer and enjoy a nice soak in the bath... and maybe watch some tv.... except the tv didnt work... So.. My dilemma... do I pay through the nose for a room and not complain...or do I complain ??

I called reception... several times.. before heading down myself... within minutes we had a man in our room trying to fix the tv.. which he couldnt do..so dragged one from the other room into the bedroom !! go figure.

Day Three.

We had ordered breakfast in bed.. and by half nine, it still hadnt appeared.. so I checked to see if it had been taken from our door... suprise suprise.. it was still there !!! Another call to receptiona and another complaint and we had our breakfast within 15 minutes...

After checking out and earning ourselves a free upgrade to an empire suite the next time we stayed in a thistle and some money off the bill..... not so bad...

We had a couple of hours to kill before meeting Kate's brother, so we decided that a nice cruise in the sun would finish the morning off.... It was perfect...and a different way to look at London.. we were pushing for time, but we made it with minutes to spare... John & Bex (kates brother & wife) took us to the Ice Bar..

It was amazing... cold... but amazing... everything made of ice... even the glasses !!!

We drank... lots..some cocktails were nice.. some were terrible... after 40 minutes we had to leave, so we headed back to our hotel with John n Bex to have a final drink before we left..

That last drink probably tipped us over the edge... and before we knew it, we had 30 minutes to get to our train to get us home... and this while half cut !!!!

We must of cut a blistering trail through London, with our suitcases flying through the air and knocking into A boards and people as we went.... but we made our train..

Although things never went to plan.. and although things may never ever go to plan with me and Kate and our away days... they are something to remember... they are something to learn from..

But most of all, I spent a magical few days with the woman I fall in love with again..everytime I wake up to a new day. You can't pay for that. You can however learn to avoid Market researchers...

This Blog is dedicated to you Kate.. You are my everything x

A realisation of sorts.. and friends and family past and present..

A new year and a busy start by all accounts. 3 jobs in the pipeline, one of which I've just completed the second part of training for, and about to start on nuclear clearance paperwork. So for me.. finally things are looking up. My grandfathers affairs and estates have come to a tidy conclusion. And my home life couldn't be any better.
So.. why the need to blog ? Because I took myself off for a walk today and listening to music I got to thinking, surely somewhere along the line, some people outside of my circle, will realise how fake they really are. This isn't a scathing dig at anyone in particular, however as they say.. If the cap fits.. then wear it.  I have been friends with a lot of people, and fallen out with less than I actually thought.
Let me take you back to when I was a kid, can you ever remember the first friend you had ? That very first feeling as a child that you cared for someone else, other than your mum. My friend was Hannah.. The memories are vague, but I recall she had something to do with Germany, maybe her father was based there ( I never remember seeing the daddy) we used to play regularly and I think she was into Duplo at the time !! We went to a christian club and she fell and grazed her knee.. I cried for her.. and at that age I couldn't understand why. Now as an adult I realise it was genuine feelings.. Sadly, Hannah left town soon after and I have no way of tracing her now. But she is and will always be a memory.  From then til now.. I sit and think about all the friends I've made.. and because of a few "recent" but "past" friends.. I wonder who is real and who is false. It's just one of my many thoughts I often have when alone. Which is probably why I'm not alone very much..
I've never been one to really shy at feelings.. and if I feel.. I normally tell.. and that's probably where I've gotten into hot spots !!
But in recent events.. I have realised the woman that I thought I hated... I don't. And I guess I don't even pity her either.  For the past year plus, I've thought the only problem I had was to deal with my anger towards her, when in actual fact it was to deal with the feelings I still have.. and the same goes for all my past friends.. at some point in time.. I had to of had real genuine feelings for each and everyone of them.. I don't do false.. they were as real then as they are today. They just have changed or subsided.. That in itself was a huge turning point for me alone. It makes it easier to deal with, easier to cope with.. From the start.. the girl who bullied me at school would be the first I thought to hate, but I don't, because there has to be a reason for her behaviour.. I was strong enough to take her beatings then and now I know given the chance in a ring.. I could floor her in minutes.. therefore there is no anger or hatred towards her.  The first woman I loved... wasn't love, it was a novelty.. as much for her as it was for me.  Kaz... who I spent 10 years with.. I still love today and will continue to do so... we did after all go through so much together I know that a 3am phone call for help wouldn't phase her in the slightest. Karen.. is now and forever my best friend. Di.. on my part the feelings were real and going through the emails sent from her during and after our relationship I believe at some point then.. she was genuine.. so any frustrations over the business and the way things ended no longer matter. Then we have more recent friends.. or ex friends which ever way you wish to phrase it... Jay and Lyndsay.. so many times I was warned.. so many times I was told by friends and family to stay away.. but I trusted not only my judgement.. but my gut feelings.. I loved them both then as I probably stupidly do now. Jay had a sense of humour next to none.. and somewhere deep inside a warmth that was hidden away.. I enjoyed spending time with her, she taught me so many things both good and bad.. I learnt to have confidence in my abilities to learn and listen.. I hope at some point she maybe learnt something from me. Lyndsay.. There isn't much to say.. The quiet demeanour and calm exterior betrayed a total lack of faith in anything including herself.. her humour was and is as dry as they come and only the sharpest of wits could hold or even match her in conversation. They are as suited now as they were a year ago.. I just wish they could of seen it from where me and my friends could see it. 
And finally the biggest hurt of all.. That would be the affair.. I look back at it all and wonder why I was so blind.. what made me believe every word she said.. kaz warned me, even Di warned me.. everyone I trusted I refused to listen to... and now she sits as she probably always did, In the Somerset and Dorset. with her husband.. in their rich little world, with false little friends. and a hope for a false future.. until someone else like me comes along.. someone stronger, someone who wont be so willing to run out of town.. someone who isn't too far off.  I don't think I love her.. But I don't hate her, and I don't pity her either. I looked into the eyes of the woman I will marry today and I realised.. although I have past feelings.. I know this is the woman I want to be with... I would protect her and the kids with all that I am. I don't have to hide it... I don't have to keep secrets from her children or her friends..
Her family is as much mine as hers.. and I'd choose her cousin as my family in a heartbeat as opposed to the friends I've lost.
Today I burnt a diary... the diary I had kept for so long... not because I want to forget.. But because I never want anyone to see who stupid I could of been to trust other people who in turn have been spiteful, deceitful and childish.
From the likes of the rowdys, the debs, the Becky's and the Leanne's.. although we are not in contact daily... I know I could call you all at 3am... and without question you would answer...
That is something to be proud of.