A new year and a busy start by all accounts. 3 jobs in the pipeline, one of which I've just completed the second part of training for, and about to start on nuclear clearance paperwork. So for me.. finally things are looking up. My grandfathers affairs and estates have come to a tidy conclusion. And my home life couldn't be any better.
So.. why the need to blog ? Because I took myself off for a walk today and listening to music I got to thinking, surely somewhere along the line, some people outside of my circle, will realise how fake they really are. This isn't a scathing dig at anyone in particular, however as they say.. If the cap fits.. then wear it. I have been friends with a lot of people, and fallen out with less than I actually thought.
Let me take you back to when I was a kid, can you ever remember the first friend you had ? That very first feeling as a child that you cared for someone else, other than your mum. My friend was Hannah.. The memories are vague, but I recall she had something to do with Germany, maybe her father was based there ( I never remember seeing the daddy) we used to play regularly and I think she was into Duplo at the time !! We went to a christian club and she fell and grazed her knee.. I cried for her.. and at that age I couldn't understand why. Now as an adult I realise it was genuine feelings.. Sadly, Hannah left town soon after and I have no way of tracing her now. But she is and will always be a memory. From then til now.. I sit and think about all the friends I've made.. and because of a few "recent" but "past" friends.. I wonder who is real and who is false. It's just one of my many thoughts I often have when alone. Which is probably why I'm not alone very much..
I've never been one to really shy at feelings.. and if I feel.. I normally tell.. and that's probably where I've gotten into hot spots !!
But in recent events.. I have realised the woman that I thought I hated... I don't. And I guess I don't even pity her either. For the past year plus, I've thought the only problem I had was to deal with my anger towards her, when in actual fact it was to deal with the feelings I still have.. and the same goes for all my past friends.. at some point in time.. I had to of had real genuine feelings for each and everyone of them.. I don't do false.. they were as real then as they are today. They just have changed or subsided.. That in itself was a huge turning point for me alone. It makes it easier to deal with, easier to cope with.. From the start.. the girl who bullied me at school would be the first I thought to hate, but I don't, because there has to be a reason for her behaviour.. I was strong enough to take her beatings then and now I know given the chance in a ring.. I could floor her in minutes.. therefore there is no anger or hatred towards her. The first woman I loved... wasn't love, it was a novelty.. as much for her as it was for me. Kaz... who I spent 10 years with.. I still love today and will continue to do so... we did after all go through so much together I know that a 3am phone call for help wouldn't phase her in the slightest. Karen.. is now and forever my best friend. Di.. on my part the feelings were real and going through the emails sent from her during and after our relationship I believe at some point then.. she was genuine.. so any frustrations over the business and the way things ended no longer matter. Then we have more recent friends.. or ex friends which ever way you wish to phrase it... Jay and Lyndsay.. so many times I was warned.. so many times I was told by friends and family to stay away.. but I trusted not only my judgement.. but my gut feelings.. I loved them both then as I probably stupidly do now. Jay had a sense of humour next to none.. and somewhere deep inside a warmth that was hidden away.. I enjoyed spending time with her, she taught me so many things both good and bad.. I learnt to have confidence in my abilities to learn and listen.. I hope at some point she maybe learnt something from me. Lyndsay.. There isn't much to say.. The quiet demeanour and calm exterior betrayed a total lack of faith in anything including herself.. her humour was and is as dry as they come and only the sharpest of wits could hold or even match her in conversation. They are as suited now as they were a year ago.. I just wish they could of seen it from where me and my friends could see it.
And finally the biggest hurt of all.. That would be the affair.. I look back at it all and wonder why I was so blind.. what made me believe every word she said.. kaz warned me, even Di warned me.. everyone I trusted I refused to listen to... and now she sits as she probably always did, In the Somerset and Dorset. with her husband.. in their rich little world, with false little friends. and a hope for a false future.. until someone else like me comes along.. someone stronger, someone who wont be so willing to run out of town.. someone who isn't too far off. I don't think I love her.. But I don't hate her, and I don't pity her either. I looked into the eyes of the woman I will marry today and I realised.. although I have past feelings.. I know this is the woman I want to be with... I would protect her and the kids with all that I am. I don't have to hide it... I don't have to keep secrets from her children or her friends..
Her family is as much mine as hers.. and I'd choose her cousin as my family in a heartbeat as opposed to the friends I've lost.
Today I burnt a diary... the diary I had kept for so long... not because I want to forget.. But because I never want anyone to see who stupid I could of been to trust other people who in turn have been spiteful, deceitful and childish.
From the likes of the rowdys, the debs, the Becky's and the Leanne's.. although we are not in contact daily... I know I could call you all at 3am... and without question you would answer...
That is something to be proud of.
