Second Chances Or Digging Up The Past.....

Sometimes, we plough through life, with no consequences to our actions, and it seems some of us are lucky enough to never have to face the aftermath of events we have created, even if we never intended for it to happen. In the instant we do something we regret, even if for a split second.. that tiny intimate little thought inside your head, that has already let you know you feel regret.. is also the one that for a brief moment in time warns you there will be consequences.

I lived half of my life, ignoring all those tiny thoughts and feelings, blaming my mistakes on grief/bpd or anything at the time rather than face the truth... I was playing with life, playing with people.. and sadly playing with feelings.  There would never be a consequence, I would never have to deal with it, I just went through life like some big board game.. and always threw a lucky six.. always.

I was never faithful, I was never always honest, I was never going to have to change.

Then.. I got hurt. Even though in the darkest recess of my mind I knew this one affair would never amount to anything, It rocked my world and turned everything I thought I knew into a different world I thought I was living in. And in the 3 1/2 years since, I have become someone I am no longer ashamed to be. I have spent that time wisely looking back on my life and having many epiphany type moments, of realising how much I hurt people, how much I created pain and tears and more. The people close to me, and that know me, have seen this change slowly, and gradually and I have never hidden this, I have never kept it secret of how much I hate myself for what I did, or if I could change things I would. People who know me.. know how much I have tried, and how much I have wanted to fix the relics of the bridges that once were.

The events leading up to this blog are by no means easy to write about, But for whatever reason, they will be said. 

As described earlier, I hurt people.. and luckily for me and hopefully them, I have managed to re trace steps, re open old wounds and with a lot of patience and a lot of time, patched things up with all but one person. Even as far back as school I have contacted and established old friends, old enemies and old bullies !!!  And I have fixed and mended and apologised and questioned.. 

And until now.. Its been easy to admit where I was wrong, why I did what I did and how to repair things. Along the way, I have lost friends, or people I assumed were friends, for whatever reason are now no longer in my life, I have tended my friends to the point of having no negativity, no second guessing, genuine people amongst my friends to remind me why I will never become that person I was. 

But.. and there will always be a but.. there was one person I couldn't bring myself to face, one person I couldn't deal with nor handle the emotions that went with it.

And now, in this moment in time, I was forced into a place where the choice was taken out of my hands and not only did I have to deal with it, I had to face years of pent up emotion from the damage and hurt I caused. To sit and watch across a table as the women I once held close spat tears of hate, and raw anger directed at me, and me alone, has to be one the very worst things I've had to face. There was never any closure, there was never any reason, and one of the biggest regrets to date and one of her many questions was why I walked away and never gave what we had a chance. I have never kept this a secret from Kate, and I have no reason to, My life was based on lies and a web of deceit that even I started to lose grip on the truth and reality. So 2 hours of emotion from both sides it didn't even come close to what we both felt needed said. I never stopped feeling for her, but I tried so hard to turn it into hate as it was easier. No one who can claim to now have a heart of stone could still hurt as much as she still does, There is little or no trust left, But I have a debt to pay, and I requested she gave me a chance to prove myself once again, and she has at least given me that,  And her number and a couple of polite texts and an almost normal call later with genuine laughter on both sides  has eased that small knot I have carried in the pit of my stomach for a few years now, We will maybe never be best friends again, and we may only ever text occasionally, and people will not like it, But this will be their own insecurities and faiths and should not be reflected in who I am or who she is, or what we once were.  

This is now, this is my very public and very humbled attempt at showing how very serious I am about not letting her walk out of my life for the second time without a fighting chance at proving myself and repaying a never forgotten debt, and to thank her for giving me that second chance.