In the here and now....with Kate

Most people start at the birth of themselves and then work forward to how they are today and it explains how they got where they are today !!
I think we've already established I'm not most people and I'm going to start in the here and now.. and maybe seeing it all written down in black and white will help me understand the choices my parents made at the time.. and how that has affected me not only as an adult but as a small child as well...
As for where I'm at now... this could and will change from day to day over the course of the next few months... this is the worst time of the year for me for many different reasons.. With the winter nights drawing in and the weather becoming colder and the mornings becoming grey and numb, I awake with a feeling of dread for each and everyday. I must point out at this point over a year ago I was diagnosed with bpd (Borderline personality disorder)...
Sometimes I deny ever having it and sometimes I accept it as part of me. My friends around me accept I'm just a tad different.. and on the lowest of days normally I can come out of the rut within a few hours now, instead of before where I would hide for days and self harm.. It seems the changes that have taken place within the last year have been astounding.  I'd like for each and everyone of my friends to take some credit for it.. But there is one person who made me change the most, she is the one person who gave me another person within myself to look at and focus on. And unfortunately she is the one person who hurt me the most in my 37 years. More about that later... we are talking about now.
I'm in love... It sounds small and cheesy, another 3 words that don't look like half as much as they mean.. I love you.. It's not enough and never will be. The one thing I've learnt about love is that it comes in many different forms and identities. Sure I've said it before and I'm sure sometimes I meant it. I would also like to point out at this stage that my feelings now should in no way reflect what or how I felt about my past partners/lovers. I am talking about NOW.
And now...I'm with Kate. And I love her, am IN love with her and I want to spend every waking moment with her. We've been together almost 10 months and we are still very much in the so called 'honeymoon' period.. I'm sure it should of come to an end months ago. But it hasn't. And each day my feelings for her are more stronger, more grounded and certainly more powerful.
People have slated us and dragged up my past about married woman.. we've taken each hit together and stood side by side.. Kate is no longer a married woman. She wears my ring and she is my partner, my best friend and I would do anything to ensure this lasts. I still sit having a coffee/watching TV/garden/decorate and catch myself thinking.. "am i really this lucky"   or "I cannot believe I have this woman in my arms"  she takes my breath away, she inspires me and she has created the three most amazing boys. And god forbid anyone hurts this family while I'm around. For safety's sake I will never name the boys.. they shall remain as baby boy, middle boy and old boy !! My friends and Kate's friends will always know who we are talking about when the time comes.
The way this relationship came about was made for movies/books... it was surreal/unreal and special. Kate and I both worked at Asda many years ago (not that many) We both noticed each other, but we worked on different departments and I was with someone at the time. But it was nice to look !! Right ?
But occasionally we'd say hi and walk on to our respective homes/work. I know she used to eye up the quad be it at work or at my home knowing it belonged to me, and longing to talk to me but never quite managing. I used to hide  to avoid her in the end, she was just a fantasy nothing more.
The years went on and I left Asda to start my own business and moved away from the area. Out of the blue came a facebook message stating she wanted to hire out a bouncy castle. Whether or not she remembered me.. I sure as hell knew who she was. I was a bundle of nerves (it was only later I found out she was going through the same) I was professional in my work however, and delivered and set up said castle. And there was Kate.. stunning as ever and rushing around sorting out a feast of a party.. I made some joke about saving me some cake.. and left.
I returned later that day to collect castle and we had a coffee and that's when I met pj (one of Kate's closest friends) and you know what.. Kate had saved me some Kate. I left that day smiling.
Time passed yet again, I remember having Kate on facebook, but I deleted her soon after simply because we just never talked !! In the summer my dog had pups.. and yet again there was that familiar name on facebook.. Kate had sent me a message asking if I still had pups because pj was interested !!
At this moment in my life I was seeing a married woman and pretty much going through hell at being yo yo'd left right and centre. Kate was a ray of sunlight. She just didn't know it.
So it pj had a pup. My affair was coming to an end in the worst way possible.. and myself, Karen and pj and Kate became firm friends. For years I had strived to be part of something, a group.. to have coffee, to socialise... to belong. This was it. I was happy in part. All through this time the girls knew what was going on within my private life.. and by December I had moved from Burnham to Highbridge to escape the fall out of the affair. Whilst licking my own wounds I realized Kate was unhappy and it bugged me. In due course I realized how young she had been when she had kids, and married and found that she felt she was in a rut.. I could of ran a mile. My problem had always been.. see an unhappy woman... and sleep with her.. just to make her happy, if only for a brief while. I saw myself as a fixer. Except what I didn't realize was that I was just going through the motions to try and heal myself from some unknown force. I became very wary of Kate. Even more so when I realized one night after a text from her. Kate had "feelings" for me !!! I'd be a rich woman if I had a quid for every time I heard that.. That's not meant to come across as egotistical.. but it's the truth, Karen and now Kate will testify that "everyone wants a bit of Nadine"..(more on that later).
I was running scared. I was hurting from the affair, still angry and very bitter. Along the way I'd lost good friends, but gained some genuine ones. But I was in no position to follow this "thing" through with Kate.  I heard all the warning signs in my own head.. and even Karen was warning me about the dangers.
The flirtations had started.. we'd crossed the line as friends and we both knew it. By now Kate and I were spending a lot of time together, both at my house and hers. It was a hard few months, One of her close friends admitted to having "feelings" for me, which left Kate wondering about the kind of respect this friend had for Kate and Kate's feelings.. It made things awkward.. but we all worked through it together. It almost made us invincible friends...almost.
By now, within a small circle Kate and I were an "item"ish... I say ish.. because I wasn't ready, I wasn't sure and I didn't know where this was going. Kate was still married and still living at home, she had 3 kids and I knew she was going through hell in her own private turmoil. I was still wary.. but I was human and I had feelings which had been trampled on recently. But more importantly I didn't want to hurt Kate. I'd come to that stage where I had realized how I had treated others in my past and how much I had hurt people. I was determined never to make someone feel the way I had been made to feel. Not this time and not to Kate.
Things came to a sudden head Christmas eve. It's one Christmas eve I will never forget. It will now and forever be etched into my head.
We had all piled down to Kate's for a drink.. she found it increasingly hard to come out with us because of it being used against her for leaving the kids !! so we all made the effort to deal with the atmosphere of her place so she had company and support.
That night as the drinks steadily flowed, her husband started something I'm sure her regrets to this day and Kate turned on him with a force I will never forget. It was that cold dark night as myself, Karen and pj hid in the hall ( we went out for a smoke when the husband started).
"I'm not in love with you" were the words that echoed the rising panic that flooded every part of my being... Questions raced through my mind, did she really love me ? Did she really want to leave him.. for me ?? Was she not just a bored housewife like everyone else wanting a bit of fun?...
That night was the first time I'd seen Kate's temper... for so long she's been laid back and let everything just pass her by. Now Kate had a focus... although I'm sure at the time no one, not even Kate knew what the actual focus was.
Within that month, we saw Kate fall from the sunbeam she was, so a shadow of her former self.. and even her former self was not the real Kate we all know and love today.
It was hard, upsetting and we all felt useless.. we.. I was losing a part of Kate. We couldn't go to her house.. it was just too uncomfortable.Her weight plummeted and everyone had their concerns.. on the plus side through all this.. My life was opening up before my eyes... and in secret Kate and I went from strength to strength... we supported, we laughed.. We became happy and safe wit each other. By January she had moved to a new home not far from me. And another set of obstacles presented itself. Her concerns were always for the kids, they went through hell and back.. not knowing who to be angry at.. they were tormented by the stress of the family home.. the upheaval was unsettling for them as it would be for any child watching their parents go through a break up. With time, patience and alot of tears... things calmed down..The circle was complete.
Almost ten months later I spend 99% of my time with Kate and the boys.. we are that family...The boys take no notice of me and Kate.. Kate's family have accepted me 100% and I love them for it.
The friends we have now are the ones that were made for life. The support we have is astounding and yet touching. Friends I didn't know have come out of the woodwork and become a solid part of our lives.
This has been a testing year for everyone involved... and to those who are still here I thank you. And to those that have either been kicked to the kerb or stepped back... I wish you all the best.. But look at what you are missing.. This is life. This is happiness.