Never an absolution....The affair.

So... I've sat time and time again and thought about this 6 months in my life. I've asked myself many times "why?"  or "how?" and there really is no simple answer. It's almost as if I've taken the whole responsibility upon myself.. "it was my fault" or "I asked for it"..
This I see now isn't the case. The old adage that "It takes two" could never be used on a more meaningful situation. And again I've pondered do I name names or do I keep a secret as it was before. My close friends know exactly who I'm talkin about and even "ex" friends knew what was going on. I didn't listen to any of the warnings. I thought I knew what I was doing. I didnt have a clue at the end of the day. And now this woman, still married albeit a false sexless marraige, sits within her family home as she always has done ignoring the damage that was created between us both and has fully denyed that anything ever went on. The stories I have heard have been as simple as "I made it all up" or "She was obbsessed" I even head that I was blackmailing her !! How.. in my situation do you blackmail someone into waiting till your husband had left for london.. then walking over the road to jump in my bed ? How.. I ask.. Is that possible ??
How did I blackmail someone into sending emails/texts/photos ?? This is one part of my life that although i'd sooner forget. I can't. I'm still blatantly bitter and angry over the whole thing. Would I feel better if she was to admit she played a part ? Hell yes.. But I know she will never come out of her safety net to grow balls and admit what happened.
So.. with this in mind and a certain amount of honour and pride on my part, she will remain nameless ish.
Everything happened in such a short space of time, I was in the process of moving from a village to Burnham.. due to the end of another relationship.  At this time I met a few people here and there within Burnham and one of them we shall call Jax (the local kareoke queen) she suggested I should come out one friday night with her and meet her friends. This I did which back then was a huge thing for me to go anywhere alone. Jax introduced me to so many people that night, but the few that stuck out were to be the downfall of me and all that I knew.
D... as she shall be known.. stuck out from the crowd, she was stunning in her own way. She wasn't tall or skinny, but there was something about her. And we talked.. she introduced me to her husband and some family friends. This was the first of may friday nights. The week after that I took Karen with me and we all pretty much became friends within this new circle. It was a summer I will never forget for many reasons. D and I clicked and I even got along with the husband. We went out most fridays, we took coffee with each other (they worked from home) An one drunken night I walked D home and it was a fleeting kiss at the door, but we crossed the lines... again. Gradually we talked and she explained she was bi !! but that her husband didnt know !! Many days we spent talking, laughing and shopping, she brought me some amazing things all this kept secret from everyone.. even karen. I had a sparkly new ring and a silver feather necklace. I felt spoilt. but  I had a nagging doubt all along. But to be honest I lived for the excitement and almost fear. She even helped me furnish my house when I moved yet again. The summer nites and days dragged by in a hazy sexually heated haze. Nights of drinking, hot tubs, river swimming, the whole lot was as surreal then as it is now when I look back on it. D and I had been sleeping together for 4 months and Karen knew, and so did other close friends.. they guessed and there was no denying what was going on. We even used to go out on a tuesday to a "bookclub" just an excuse to study wine labels we called it.. It was a friends house where we could be a couple if only for a few hours.  The days when the husband worked in London D used to let herself into my house and crawl into bed with me.. It was as hard as it was fun.. but things started to go wrong.. her guilt played heavily.. and she talked about finishing what we had.. I was devastated.. But the next alcoholic fuelled night she changed her mind and we continued. Her and her husband even talked about buying a new home where I could move into a ready built annex !! It was all moving out of my control, what I didn't see was the moment we slept together things were taken out of my hands. I found a new confidence, I changed, I grew up. I found a job. I was happy... or so I thought. D was now calling on me whenever she had a moment free.. I put my life on hold in case she called/visited. My friends from my past were put on hold and everything I had I gave to D. The rumours flew thick and fast within the community, we just shrugged them off. One day.. D called round, she said she couldnt handle the guilt anymore and it needed stopped.. she walked away. I couldnt face work, and after 3 weeks of working.. I was sacked all because I was beyond any state to call in and explain what was going on. Karen and Kaz were with me in an instant. The support from them was unfounding. Kaz was my ex from way back and she knew how D| had been treating me. Karen could of said many times "I told you so" But not once did she utter those words and to this day se has remained tight lipped. I was in a haze of hurt anger and disbelief. D wanted to remain friends and I thought I could handle this. She asked me not to bring any new partners to the pub in front of her as this would hurt her. At this point I didn't want anyone else. We had talked about waiting until her child finished exams when she could tell her husband it was over. She even told my friends she wanted to leave the husband for me. I believed every word. She seemed genuine and I listened. I was hooked. D went on holiday soon after. And the the texts came thick and fast. "I miss you" and "I realise what I've lost". My hopes went straight up again. The night she came back from holiday we went out... and inevitably the affair started again. This time however Kerry (my friend from Ireland) knew what was going on and had come over to see this woman who was tormenting her best friend... Kerry warned me severley. I didnt listen. On the 6 months annivesary of our so called relationship D finished it for a second time. And this time I truly believed she meant it. I self harmed beyond anything I had done before and turned up on Karens doorstep covered in blood, the fresh cuts spilling red onto my jeans, I couldnt see for tears and I couldnt believe she had done it again. The next few days were non existant to me. D still wanted to be friends, and I know or at least I thought she truly felt sorry for what had happened. Karen and Kaz were livid, and I'm suprised at this point that niether one of them told the husband what had happened. I slowly and carefully came out of the cloud I was under. D and I remained friends and my birthday was coming up. Kate and pg and karen were at this point planning things and I had no idea what was to happen in the next few days that would turn my life around in one harsh cold november day.
The night before my birthday D and I went out along with the husband and karen, we had a few drinks and D played her usual games in the bathroom of the pub as she always did, we kissed but I was almost numb to it by now. The night drew to a close with promises of a day trip with D the next day. I believe we went to Bath Christmas market. We had a great time, we almost seemed like a couple, and the following day was my birthday.. This could be a birthday to remember, I thought to myself. I was not wrong.
Unknown to me, D had arranged for Kerry to come over from Ireland and it was an amazing suprise to return honme to find her there. What a birthday present !
That night we were to go out for a birthday drink, and the following day D had promised us all a homecooked meal at her house as it was cheaper than going out to eat. This was as good as it gets, I forgot all the pain and false promises from before and arrived at a suprise birthday party to find Kate and pg there as well.. I was all over the place. I as so happy that Kate was there and as the night progressed kate and I ended up sitting together for the remainder of  the night and we drank and we laughed and the pain was forgotten. The drinking continued long into the night back with karen and kerry. Then the text came from D, saying the meal had been cancelled because the husband didnt want it. He was under the impression from day one that I manipulated D and that everything she did was my doing. The anger that had been hidden from us all errupted into a heated text war. I told the husband it was him that had trapped D, it was his fault she wasnt happy.. this was followed by kerry and karen having their say.
The morning of my Birthday I had the text that stated quite simply "This friendship is over there is nothing left, please return my stuff" 
They say you cannot break what is already broken, but something inside of me broke a little more. 
Kerry returned to Ireland. and within weeks I had moved from Burnham to another house.
The woman I trusted where others didnt.. had destroyed me. The woman who taught me so many things had failed to teach me how to cope with the anguish of betrayal.
Lesson to myself... I had treated many others like she treated me.
And this and this alone is what I have taken with me today.