A while ago I couldn't of written this how I would of wanted to, because I was still employed by Asda, and stupidly along with the rest of their stupid policy's, you cannot write a blog/status/tweet about anything disrespectful of Asda/Walmart.. or you get into trouble. !! A cover up at it's best... But now I no longer work there and I can say what I want. So here it is.
I joined Asda in Highbridge as it was born and created. It was exciting and I thought it would be new starts and new chances to get over the past year. I started work too early after my mum passed and I didn't have the financial need to work either as I had money that my mum had left. With hindsight this was a bad move all over. But I thought then I was doing the right thing. It was an amazing thing to be a part of. and everyone was buzzing for the the new shop to open, the managers were excited, they treated us well, we were trained, we were looked after and most of all, the managers made us feel like we were part of something big and we were useful and needed. This dream would be dashed within weeks. I worked on the night shift and it really was my dream job, I know that sounds sad, but with o.c.d and bpd (which I didn't know at the time) filling shelves and making all the items neat was brilliant for me, I took pride in whatever I did and I worked hard. To start with everyone got along on nights as so often happens in a new group. The night managers Jason and Andy were a breath of life. They were funny, they worked and they taught us slowly what we needed to know, soon enough we become a well oiled team.. and we finished the shop floor with pride and were thanked many times for what we had achieved. However, things started slipping when it transpired that Andy was having an affair with one of the night shift, now although this breaks all the rules within the company, no one had an issue with it. Until they started leaving the shop floor together for hours.. work started to slip and no one was happy about it. I was given the shop floor more than once while they disappeared.. but this wasn't enough, we were still new and still needed direction. There was an issue on the shop floor that no one could solve, so I went to find our manager, thinking he was having a smoke or drink with the colleague in question I went off to find them.. and I did.. having sex on a table in the computer room.... now anyone could of walked in on them.. but it was me. Nothing was said and I left my shift that night disillusioned and let down. I had told kaz what was happening who in turn reported back to the store manager, where it was brushed aside. I put my head down and got on with my job. Sparks started to fly within the team as splits became obvious. Jason and I used to slip off for a smoke regularly and this also never went down well. But I wasn't about to complain. It turned out in the end, he was on cocaine and was asked to leave. Andy left also. It was a shame as Jason was a pretty cool guy and i had a lot of time for him.
From what I can remember, It was Di that came along next. Now this was fun, she was attractive, and had a sense of humour next to none. We clicked straight away and we worked well together. We ran through work like it was nothing and a friendship formed. None of the other team liked this at all, as she was the manager and I was a colleague. I was however on Jason and Andy's terms a key colleague..
This didn't make a difference and was just a jumped up name for dogs body.
Everyone thought I was being treated differently.. I wish they'd understood that I worked harder and that working with Di, we were able to complete 3 aisles in the space it took them to finish one. But that didn't help either and the bitching started. the complaints were made and it started to get nasty. People didn't like the laughter, this is a true complaint made.. we laugh too much !!
By now, Di and I had become close outside of work and no one liked this either, But i was oblivious, Di had a spark and we enjoyed each others company. She was married and had kids, and when ever we could we headed off into town and drank.. Her husband (Ian) started getting jealous and stopping me in the car whenever he could asking what he'd done wrong.. It was a bad situation as the more he seemed to get possessive and jealous the more Di pushed and pushed. We drank heavy and we partied, we had fun and for me it was pure escapism.
We ended up sleeping together after a night drinking.... But I was still with Karen and Di, although my friend, was my manager. It never fitted and it was only going to end in total disaster. But I couldn't or didn't stop it for whatever reasons. Our life became entwined with alcohol and lies. Work was affected in as far as her decisions, the complaints that were made and it drew out long enough for it to come down to a decision within work. One of us had to leave.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, she left her husband and we all moved in together. me, Di and Karen and Di's kids. For me.. i was more materialistic, so I enjoyed the new big house.. but it became harder and harder to live like this and it was killing everyone. Di became more possessive, Karen became withdrawn and I, was being a prize bitch to everyone.
Now I'm not saying we didn't all have good times, we did and alot of them. But it was all pretence and fake. and eating me up. Something had to give. I left Asda to start my own business.. and Karen and I split up.
It was a mess in the biggest form. Everyone had to move. I moved to Burnham, Di moved to Bridgwater and Karen's place fell through and she moved in with me.
Raised eyebrows.. yes I know. It was not an easy place to be. But... and there will always be a but. Karen and I became best of friends, we had each others backs as we do now. and she moved into her own place and we talked. Di became possessive and hated the fact I was still even talking to Karen, I didn't like it and Di and my friendship came to a close. Due to my business we had one year of working together within the business, but it became apparent we didn't want be in the same room as each other. The business was folded and we are no longer even on speaking terms.
And me and Karen.. well.. at the same time she found out I was having an affair in Burnham with someone she questioned me about Di, so I told the truth. I had messed up, and no doubt it wouldn't be the last time. I can never apologise enough to Karen for what happened and I have no excuses for why it started, continued and ended. But I do know this.. anyone else would of walked away. Karen didn't and hasn't. And has remained to this day my best friend.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Losing Faith... Yet we help the Heroes !!!
So.. I've had some news. My grandfather passed away on Friday whilst living in Portugal. He was a Royal Navy Rating. He served for this country. I have spent over 11 hours calling Consulates, Embassys, Legions and anyone else I have been directed to. To have him cremated will cost around £2000 so far to get him back here to be scattered at sea (as any sailor would wish for) ... I am not his next of kin. That would be my Aunt. I Haven't spoken to her since my mum died. I had to go tell her about her father passing away. I get we all deal with it in different ways.. But she hasn't seen her dad for over 10 years. When I asked if she could fund his funeral/cremation or he will be buried in a non marked grave. She said and her words were "well thats that then". I hung up. I am angry at the system and at the way everyone harps on about help the heroes... There is NO help. My grandfather was one of those that served when it was really rough. They slept in hammocks.. NOT beds. I am not saying our soldiers do not earn there hero status. But I am saying "Define a hero". Its not always the ones with the medals. My grandfaher was a hero and unless this gets sorted.. He will lie buried as an unknown.
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Mistakes and memories... Part One
Back then.. in the "old days" I thought I was settled.. all be it a kind of uneasy settlement.. Kids, a long term partner.. and a home. But I was still searching for something, I just didn't know what, and I do believe that still stands today. I will always look for something until I feel it fits or it's right..
I met Karen through a weird string of incidents. Her and her partner/wife lived across the road from me and my partner and I bumped into Karen's partner quite by accident. We'll call her Wendy.. probably because that's her name and it would be tiresome to keep typing "The evil controlling one" all the time. We all hooked up and became friends.. I hadn't met Karen at this point.. Just Wendy. I was working part time in a small junk shop (more about "that" later) and used to spy this blonde coming home from work daily... in fact me and my partner, who we shall now call Kaz.. used to look outta the window to see the cute blonde.. it was a standing joke !!
Anyways.. One sunny afternoon I was in the shop and Wendy walked in, closely followed by the blonde.. I've never ran fast.. out to the back of the shop I went and spied from afar.. Great.. the cute blonde was Wendy's bird !!! Typical..
After a few days we met properly over coffee.. and it became a regular thing, the 4 of us would talk/drink/coffee and socialise. Wendy's mother and teenage son also lived in the same house and it proved to be quite a stressful house at times.. Wendy's mother was overbearing on so many levels and during our friendship told Wendy that myself and Kaz were in their house too much. The basics of it was, that Wendy was controlled by her mother.. and so Wendy asked us to reduce visits.. Karen went off like a rocket.. after all.. said Karen.. this was her house and she will be dictated by no one, who she will have in her house and when..
But the touch paper had been lit.. and me and Karen spent more time away from the house than in it, much to Wendy's disgust. We fixed cars, we shopped, we baby sat my kids while Kaz and Wendy went out to Bingo..
During all of this, my mum's health started to suffer and I'd rather keep that to a separate blog.. but it needs stated because I started to fall off the rails oh so slightly, I was visiting my mum daily and watching her fall from her pedestal in such a short sharp jolt through me over the edge, I started to push everyone away. including Kaz. Karen came with me to visit my mum occasionally and the day my mum died Karen was right beside me.
I went into a blackness so deep and dark, that I wouldn't come out of it for a few years to come.
The Spark between Karen and I became a flame that wold extinguish anything and anyone around us within months.
We had both talked, and we had both denied.. purely because Karen was faithful and I just wasn't anywhere..
But the months prior to losing my mum, my birthday arrived.. I drank..lots.. and I wandered over to Karen's to have drink with her and Wendy.. That.. was where it really all started. Karen refused to sit anywhere near me.. I found out later it was because she couldn't hide the want or need... Me.. I was just drunk and lapping up the attention !!
Wendy walked me home that night.. all 2 minutes of it, where I promptly collapsed against my car.. and she decided that this would be a great time to pin me and kiss me.. I guess I responded because I am human.. and I was drunk.. who knows... But that very next morning I told Karen what had happened and it was the excuse Karen needed to get out !!
My memories sadly fail me, and they come back in clips and flashes.. and I struggle to put everything on a genuine timeline, so if things are in a little disarray, I can only apologise.
At some point after my birthday.. I think Karen and I went shopping for Christmas presents.. we stopped on the seafront late this afternoon and we made out in the car ! There were no regrets and no explanations needed.. except for trying to start the car with a dead battery, we shall laugh about this till the day we die.
Karen was a bright light in my world.. she laughed, she loved and had a passion for life that bowled me over. I visited her at her workplace many times and everyone knew we were seeing each other... except our respective partners. The time came when Wendy's mother tried to kill herself in front of us all, for Karen to call it a day on the marriage. She used the kiss between me and Wendy.. and within days I had found her a caravan to move into. Me and Kaz cleaned it from top to bottom and we made it home for Karen.
Over the next few months, I stayed over with Karen many times.. and Kaz didn't question it. Karen was going through hell with the move, as the house had to be handed over, Wendy had trashed most of Karen's belongings and left her with so much debt it was an impossible situation.
But through all of this including my mums funeral and the after effects of that.. Karen settled down and I got a job at the caravan park.. it was a great summer, we worked, we drank, we chilled and we enjoyed being with each other. Myself and kaz were almost strangers.. but still I held onto something wit kaz, I had helped bring up the kids and to be honest she was a safety net I was refusing to let go of. But I still wouldn't admit to myself or even to Karen that we had something to.
I introduce.. Gibson into the picture about now, someone who I had also helped find a home in the caravan park.. and we bounced off of each other in so many ways, she was forward and she made me laugh, and while Karen worked, during the day I spent it with Gibson. I knew there was a spark..and I knew I was crossing the lines between anything I knew. But I was high on something and I responded.. and we made out one day, albeit a brief fumble... it was enough to send me reeling.
I went straight to Karen and I told her what had happened.. why ?? I've no clue to this day.. I could of kept it quiet and no one would know any better. Gibson and I could never of had anything more than a sexual encounter.. she was too forward for me.
Karen, almost quietly accepted what had happened... and slowly we moved on.. I left kaz in a haze of hurt and anger and Karen and I got a house together, We made it the best home ever... from our junk room to our garden and chickens..
Karen taught me slowly and tenderly to enjoy life and all that it offered, she was a tree nymph to the fullest.. and loved being out doors in all weathers. She taught me kite flying... we both had a mutual love for Dartmoor and we spent many moons under the stars, exploring laughing and loving.I have 4 years of memories and I just can't write them all.. But it was a picture of almost bliss.. Kaz was on and off the scene for a while here and there.. she moved on and had what sounded to me like a struggle to settle. But it sometimes became vicious to a point of no contact for years.. even the kids remained in touch on and off.
Prior to me and Karen moving in, me and Kaz had applied to work in asda, which was being built in our town.. and we both got the jobs we wanted.. me on nights and Kaz on days. Asda... was my next downfall..
I met Karen through a weird string of incidents. Her and her partner/wife lived across the road from me and my partner and I bumped into Karen's partner quite by accident. We'll call her Wendy.. probably because that's her name and it would be tiresome to keep typing "The evil controlling one" all the time. We all hooked up and became friends.. I hadn't met Karen at this point.. Just Wendy. I was working part time in a small junk shop (more about "that" later) and used to spy this blonde coming home from work daily... in fact me and my partner, who we shall now call Kaz.. used to look outta the window to see the cute blonde.. it was a standing joke !!
Anyways.. One sunny afternoon I was in the shop and Wendy walked in, closely followed by the blonde.. I've never ran fast.. out to the back of the shop I went and spied from afar.. Great.. the cute blonde was Wendy's bird !!! Typical..
After a few days we met properly over coffee.. and it became a regular thing, the 4 of us would talk/drink/coffee and socialise. Wendy's mother and teenage son also lived in the same house and it proved to be quite a stressful house at times.. Wendy's mother was overbearing on so many levels and during our friendship told Wendy that myself and Kaz were in their house too much. The basics of it was, that Wendy was controlled by her mother.. and so Wendy asked us to reduce visits.. Karen went off like a rocket.. after all.. said Karen.. this was her house and she will be dictated by no one, who she will have in her house and when..
But the touch paper had been lit.. and me and Karen spent more time away from the house than in it, much to Wendy's disgust. We fixed cars, we shopped, we baby sat my kids while Kaz and Wendy went out to Bingo..
During all of this, my mum's health started to suffer and I'd rather keep that to a separate blog.. but it needs stated because I started to fall off the rails oh so slightly, I was visiting my mum daily and watching her fall from her pedestal in such a short sharp jolt through me over the edge, I started to push everyone away. including Kaz. Karen came with me to visit my mum occasionally and the day my mum died Karen was right beside me.
I went into a blackness so deep and dark, that I wouldn't come out of it for a few years to come.
The Spark between Karen and I became a flame that wold extinguish anything and anyone around us within months.
We had both talked, and we had both denied.. purely because Karen was faithful and I just wasn't anywhere..
But the months prior to losing my mum, my birthday arrived.. I drank..lots.. and I wandered over to Karen's to have drink with her and Wendy.. That.. was where it really all started. Karen refused to sit anywhere near me.. I found out later it was because she couldn't hide the want or need... Me.. I was just drunk and lapping up the attention !!
Wendy walked me home that night.. all 2 minutes of it, where I promptly collapsed against my car.. and she decided that this would be a great time to pin me and kiss me.. I guess I responded because I am human.. and I was drunk.. who knows... But that very next morning I told Karen what had happened and it was the excuse Karen needed to get out !!
My memories sadly fail me, and they come back in clips and flashes.. and I struggle to put everything on a genuine timeline, so if things are in a little disarray, I can only apologise.
At some point after my birthday.. I think Karen and I went shopping for Christmas presents.. we stopped on the seafront late this afternoon and we made out in the car ! There were no regrets and no explanations needed.. except for trying to start the car with a dead battery, we shall laugh about this till the day we die.
Karen was a bright light in my world.. she laughed, she loved and had a passion for life that bowled me over. I visited her at her workplace many times and everyone knew we were seeing each other... except our respective partners. The time came when Wendy's mother tried to kill herself in front of us all, for Karen to call it a day on the marriage. She used the kiss between me and Wendy.. and within days I had found her a caravan to move into. Me and Kaz cleaned it from top to bottom and we made it home for Karen.
Over the next few months, I stayed over with Karen many times.. and Kaz didn't question it. Karen was going through hell with the move, as the house had to be handed over, Wendy had trashed most of Karen's belongings and left her with so much debt it was an impossible situation.
But through all of this including my mums funeral and the after effects of that.. Karen settled down and I got a job at the caravan park.. it was a great summer, we worked, we drank, we chilled and we enjoyed being with each other. Myself and kaz were almost strangers.. but still I held onto something wit kaz, I had helped bring up the kids and to be honest she was a safety net I was refusing to let go of. But I still wouldn't admit to myself or even to Karen that we had something to.
I introduce.. Gibson into the picture about now, someone who I had also helped find a home in the caravan park.. and we bounced off of each other in so many ways, she was forward and she made me laugh, and while Karen worked, during the day I spent it with Gibson. I knew there was a spark..and I knew I was crossing the lines between anything I knew. But I was high on something and I responded.. and we made out one day, albeit a brief fumble... it was enough to send me reeling.
I went straight to Karen and I told her what had happened.. why ?? I've no clue to this day.. I could of kept it quiet and no one would know any better. Gibson and I could never of had anything more than a sexual encounter.. she was too forward for me.
Karen, almost quietly accepted what had happened... and slowly we moved on.. I left kaz in a haze of hurt and anger and Karen and I got a house together, We made it the best home ever... from our junk room to our garden and chickens..
Karen taught me slowly and tenderly to enjoy life and all that it offered, she was a tree nymph to the fullest.. and loved being out doors in all weathers. She taught me kite flying... we both had a mutual love for Dartmoor and we spent many moons under the stars, exploring laughing and loving.I have 4 years of memories and I just can't write them all.. But it was a picture of almost bliss.. Kaz was on and off the scene for a while here and there.. she moved on and had what sounded to me like a struggle to settle. But it sometimes became vicious to a point of no contact for years.. even the kids remained in touch on and off.
Prior to me and Karen moving in, me and Kaz had applied to work in asda, which was being built in our town.. and we both got the jobs we wanted.. me on nights and Kaz on days. Asda... was my next downfall..
Saturday, 8 October 2011
A Bpd Stop gap...and a glimpse of youth..
OK.. At this point I was meant to be writing about the section between the whole Di/Asda & Karen time... And I've struggled to sit and have to word it in such away where no one will get hurt.. but the sad fact is.. someone if not all with get hurt. I sit here and go through every last emotion I felt then.. as if it was happening again and again... So I know others will go through the same. And the point of this was never to hurt anyone, I'm not sure what the point of this actually was, But with people asking "whens the next bit" or "I'm hooked" makes me glad I did..
But I digress... I'm not ready for the next section yet. So I've decided to talk a little about bpd maybe.. or maybe the fact that I had a very restless night last night.. why ? Because someone had commented on my blog... someone who chose to remain nameless...this could be absolutely anyone.. I know this... But I went into total panic..who said it ? I know these blogs give people an insight into other peoples lives, and they are within their right to blog under 'anon' But the writing looked familiar.. not only to me, which didn't help.
I was flooded with every last emotion/feeling that I had at the time. Waves of confusion bordering on pure raw pain. I knew writing it was a risk, not to anyone else but to myself. I knew I would go through it all again, but.. the confusion lies within boundaries I just don't understand yet.
How... do you explain to anyone, that this woman isn't evil, and she wasn't wrong in her decisions, she just went about them the wrong way. How do you explain I almost feel I owe her thanks.. and even now I sit here shaking my head at the total stupidity of it. I said before it took two people to create it, whatever 'it' was. And I could of walked at anytime. Obviously this affected me more than I thought, it's something I guess I have to live with. Trying to give thanks to someone who has chosen to put me so far in her past that I'm guessing to her 'it never happened'.. and it's little things like that, that truly cut.
Borderline personality at it's best !!!
So... lets discuss... For years.. as a child and as an adult I have never felt that I fitted, something was wrong, people were happy or so they seemed but i was never happy....not deep inside.. like really inside.
When I was 8 or 9 I remember social workers coming to the house weekly, talking to me or my mum in hushed tones.. asking me questions, asking why I behaved the way I did..I remember going to rooms which had 2 way mirrors and being asked more and more questions.. I don't remember much, But I remember I was naughty.. although the definition of naughty in my book at that age was nothing like we have today. I didn't steal, I didn't do drugs, I went to school, I didn't know what skiving was back then. I wasn't a bully. I was just naughty at home.. so I remember being told.
I know I was sent away to Boarding school at 12.. (more on that another time) and it was here I was put through more tests, questioned.. mad to feel even more omitted from normality. Through the years I was still very much the rebel, answering to no one, questioning everything.. Into adulthood I took it upon myself to attend therapy or anger management classes.. any of it to help me !! Something somewhere wasn't working as it should and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Finally just over a year ago I was told I had Bpd.. and that was what I was left to work with.
The therapist left this area to work elsewhere informing me there was no health care professional in the local catchment qualified to help me. That was it.
So... suddenly I wasn't as unclear as I was before. I had something to focus on and learn about myself. People assume a lot until they manage to sit and learn about these mental health issues.
So... the basics (as basic as it gets) As you grow through life you learn from peers/parents what emotions and feelings are, and where you 'feel' them. And also how to label them and deal with them. I didn't. For some reason my first emotions/feelings were anger and nothing else. Now I know that anger is the easiest emotion to feel. We all have a blueprint for life... somewhere along the line, I lost mine and I've been ploughing on almost map less until now. I'm still kinda without a map.. But I do have my own little scribbled idea of things.. and I share it with friends so they know where I'm going as well.. sometimes they scribble in a little more to help me, or sometimes they erase bits.. it's so much easier for me to understand.
If you are called a name, it may sting or it may not affect you... with me... and others like me, I will take it to heart, I will sit and analyse why it was said, and what did I do to deserve it, I will have sleepless nights until I can fix the reasoning behind the name calling... am I making sense yet ??
I self harm... well... I used to terribly... now its been almost a year without a drop of blood !! I'm never going to say I'm fixed.. with no therapy and no permanent map I'm doing this my way, with my friends.. but hey..so far so good.
So.. that's kinda my interpretation.... here's the clever part...
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:
But I digress... I'm not ready for the next section yet. So I've decided to talk a little about bpd maybe.. or maybe the fact that I had a very restless night last night.. why ? Because someone had commented on my blog... someone who chose to remain nameless...this could be absolutely anyone.. I know this... But I went into total panic..who said it ? I know these blogs give people an insight into other peoples lives, and they are within their right to blog under 'anon' But the writing looked familiar.. not only to me, which didn't help.
I was flooded with every last emotion/feeling that I had at the time. Waves of confusion bordering on pure raw pain. I knew writing it was a risk, not to anyone else but to myself. I knew I would go through it all again, but.. the confusion lies within boundaries I just don't understand yet.
How... do you explain to anyone, that this woman isn't evil, and she wasn't wrong in her decisions, she just went about them the wrong way. How do you explain I almost feel I owe her thanks.. and even now I sit here shaking my head at the total stupidity of it. I said before it took two people to create it, whatever 'it' was. And I could of walked at anytime. Obviously this affected me more than I thought, it's something I guess I have to live with. Trying to give thanks to someone who has chosen to put me so far in her past that I'm guessing to her 'it never happened'.. and it's little things like that, that truly cut.
Borderline personality at it's best !!!
So... lets discuss... For years.. as a child and as an adult I have never felt that I fitted, something was wrong, people were happy or so they seemed but i was never happy....not deep inside.. like really inside.
When I was 8 or 9 I remember social workers coming to the house weekly, talking to me or my mum in hushed tones.. asking me questions, asking why I behaved the way I did..I remember going to rooms which had 2 way mirrors and being asked more and more questions.. I don't remember much, But I remember I was naughty.. although the definition of naughty in my book at that age was nothing like we have today. I didn't steal, I didn't do drugs, I went to school, I didn't know what skiving was back then. I wasn't a bully. I was just naughty at home.. so I remember being told.
I know I was sent away to Boarding school at 12.. (more on that another time) and it was here I was put through more tests, questioned.. mad to feel even more omitted from normality. Through the years I was still very much the rebel, answering to no one, questioning everything.. Into adulthood I took it upon myself to attend therapy or anger management classes.. any of it to help me !! Something somewhere wasn't working as it should and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Finally just over a year ago I was told I had Bpd.. and that was what I was left to work with.
The therapist left this area to work elsewhere informing me there was no health care professional in the local catchment qualified to help me. That was it.
So... suddenly I wasn't as unclear as I was before. I had something to focus on and learn about myself. People assume a lot until they manage to sit and learn about these mental health issues.
So... the basics (as basic as it gets) As you grow through life you learn from peers/parents what emotions and feelings are, and where you 'feel' them. And also how to label them and deal with them. I didn't. For some reason my first emotions/feelings were anger and nothing else. Now I know that anger is the easiest emotion to feel. We all have a blueprint for life... somewhere along the line, I lost mine and I've been ploughing on almost map less until now. I'm still kinda without a map.. But I do have my own little scribbled idea of things.. and I share it with friends so they know where I'm going as well.. sometimes they scribble in a little more to help me, or sometimes they erase bits.. it's so much easier for me to understand.
If you are called a name, it may sting or it may not affect you... with me... and others like me, I will take it to heart, I will sit and analyse why it was said, and what did I do to deserve it, I will have sleepless nights until I can fix the reasoning behind the name calling... am I making sense yet ??
I self harm... well... I used to terribly... now its been almost a year without a drop of blood !! I'm never going to say I'm fixed.. with no therapy and no permanent map I'm doing this my way, with my friends.. but hey..so far so good.
So.. that's kinda my interpretation.... here's the clever part...
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:
- Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
- Disrupted family life
- Poor communication in the family
- Sexual abuse
- People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
- Fear of being abandoned
- Feelings of emptiness and boredom
- Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
- Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
- Intolerance of being alone
- Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Never an absolution....The affair.
So... I've sat time and time again and thought about this 6 months in my life. I've asked myself many times "why?" or "how?" and there really is no simple answer. It's almost as if I've taken the whole responsibility upon myself.. "it was my fault" or "I asked for it"..
This I see now isn't the case. The old adage that "It takes two" could never be used on a more meaningful situation. And again I've pondered do I name names or do I keep a secret as it was before. My close friends know exactly who I'm talkin about and even "ex" friends knew what was going on. I didn't listen to any of the warnings. I thought I knew what I was doing. I didnt have a clue at the end of the day. And now this woman, still married albeit a false sexless marraige, sits within her family home as she always has done ignoring the damage that was created between us both and has fully denyed that anything ever went on. The stories I have heard have been as simple as "I made it all up" or "She was obbsessed" I even head that I was blackmailing her !! How.. in my situation do you blackmail someone into waiting till your husband had left for london.. then walking over the road to jump in my bed ? How.. I ask.. Is that possible ??
How did I blackmail someone into sending emails/texts/photos ?? This is one part of my life that although i'd sooner forget. I can't. I'm still blatantly bitter and angry over the whole thing. Would I feel better if she was to admit she played a part ? Hell yes.. But I know she will never come out of her safety net to grow balls and admit what happened.
So.. with this in mind and a certain amount of honour and pride on my part, she will remain nameless ish.
Everything happened in such a short space of time, I was in the process of moving from a village to Burnham.. due to the end of another relationship. At this time I met a few people here and there within Burnham and one of them we shall call Jax (the local kareoke queen) she suggested I should come out one friday night with her and meet her friends. This I did which back then was a huge thing for me to go anywhere alone. Jax introduced me to so many people that night, but the few that stuck out were to be the downfall of me and all that I knew.
D... as she shall be known.. stuck out from the crowd, she was stunning in her own way. She wasn't tall or skinny, but there was something about her. And we talked.. she introduced me to her husband and some family friends. This was the first of may friday nights. The week after that I took Karen with me and we all pretty much became friends within this new circle. It was a summer I will never forget for many reasons. D and I clicked and I even got along with the husband. We went out most fridays, we took coffee with each other (they worked from home) An one drunken night I walked D home and it was a fleeting kiss at the door, but we crossed the lines... again. Gradually we talked and she explained she was bi !! but that her husband didnt know !! Many days we spent talking, laughing and shopping, she brought me some amazing things all this kept secret from everyone.. even karen. I had a sparkly new ring and a silver feather necklace. I felt spoilt. but I had a nagging doubt all along. But to be honest I lived for the excitement and almost fear. She even helped me furnish my house when I moved yet again. The summer nites and days dragged by in a hazy sexually heated haze. Nights of drinking, hot tubs, river swimming, the whole lot was as surreal then as it is now when I look back on it. D and I had been sleeping together for 4 months and Karen knew, and so did other close friends.. they guessed and there was no denying what was going on. We even used to go out on a tuesday to a "bookclub" just an excuse to study wine labels we called it.. It was a friends house where we could be a couple if only for a few hours. The days when the husband worked in London D used to let herself into my house and crawl into bed with me.. It was as hard as it was fun.. but things started to go wrong.. her guilt played heavily.. and she talked about finishing what we had.. I was devastated.. But the next alcoholic fuelled night she changed her mind and we continued. Her and her husband even talked about buying a new home where I could move into a ready built annex !! It was all moving out of my control, what I didn't see was the moment we slept together things were taken out of my hands. I found a new confidence, I changed, I grew up. I found a job. I was happy... or so I thought. D was now calling on me whenever she had a moment free.. I put my life on hold in case she called/visited. My friends from my past were put on hold and everything I had I gave to D. The rumours flew thick and fast within the community, we just shrugged them off. One day.. D called round, she said she couldnt handle the guilt anymore and it needed stopped.. she walked away. I couldnt face work, and after 3 weeks of working.. I was sacked all because I was beyond any state to call in and explain what was going on. Karen and Kaz were with me in an instant. The support from them was unfounding. Kaz was my ex from way back and she knew how D| had been treating me. Karen could of said many times "I told you so" But not once did she utter those words and to this day se has remained tight lipped. I was in a haze of hurt anger and disbelief. D wanted to remain friends and I thought I could handle this. She asked me not to bring any new partners to the pub in front of her as this would hurt her. At this point I didn't want anyone else. We had talked about waiting until her child finished exams when she could tell her husband it was over. She even told my friends she wanted to leave the husband for me. I believed every word. She seemed genuine and I listened. I was hooked. D went on holiday soon after. And the the texts came thick and fast. "I miss you" and "I realise what I've lost". My hopes went straight up again. The night she came back from holiday we went out... and inevitably the affair started again. This time however Kerry (my friend from Ireland) knew what was going on and had come over to see this woman who was tormenting her best friend... Kerry warned me severley. I didnt listen. On the 6 months annivesary of our so called relationship D finished it for a second time. And this time I truly believed she meant it. I self harmed beyond anything I had done before and turned up on Karens doorstep covered in blood, the fresh cuts spilling red onto my jeans, I couldnt see for tears and I couldnt believe she had done it again. The next few days were non existant to me. D still wanted to be friends, and I know or at least I thought she truly felt sorry for what had happened. Karen and Kaz were livid, and I'm suprised at this point that niether one of them told the husband what had happened. I slowly and carefully came out of the cloud I was under. D and I remained friends and my birthday was coming up. Kate and pg and karen were at this point planning things and I had no idea what was to happen in the next few days that would turn my life around in one harsh cold november day.
The night before my birthday D and I went out along with the husband and karen, we had a few drinks and D played her usual games in the bathroom of the pub as she always did, we kissed but I was almost numb to it by now. The night drew to a close with promises of a day trip with D the next day. I believe we went to Bath Christmas market. We had a great time, we almost seemed like a couple, and the following day was my birthday.. This could be a birthday to remember, I thought to myself. I was not wrong.
Unknown to me, D had arranged for Kerry to come over from Ireland and it was an amazing suprise to return honme to find her there. What a birthday present !
That night we were to go out for a birthday drink, and the following day D had promised us all a homecooked meal at her house as it was cheaper than going out to eat. This was as good as it gets, I forgot all the pain and false promises from before and arrived at a suprise birthday party to find Kate and pg there as well.. I was all over the place. I as so happy that Kate was there and as the night progressed kate and I ended up sitting together for the remainder of the night and we drank and we laughed and the pain was forgotten. The drinking continued long into the night back with karen and kerry. Then the text came from D, saying the meal had been cancelled because the husband didnt want it. He was under the impression from day one that I manipulated D and that everything she did was my doing. The anger that had been hidden from us all errupted into a heated text war. I told the husband it was him that had trapped D, it was his fault she wasnt happy.. this was followed by kerry and karen having their say.
The morning of my Birthday I had the text that stated quite simply "This friendship is over there is nothing left, please return my stuff"
They say you cannot break what is already broken, but something inside of me broke a little more.
Kerry returned to Ireland. and within weeks I had moved from Burnham to another house.
The woman I trusted where others didnt.. had destroyed me. The woman who taught me so many things had failed to teach me how to cope with the anguish of betrayal.
Lesson to myself... I had treated many others like she treated me.
And this and this alone is what I have taken with me today.
This I see now isn't the case. The old adage that "It takes two" could never be used on a more meaningful situation. And again I've pondered do I name names or do I keep a secret as it was before. My close friends know exactly who I'm talkin about and even "ex" friends knew what was going on. I didn't listen to any of the warnings. I thought I knew what I was doing. I didnt have a clue at the end of the day. And now this woman, still married albeit a false sexless marraige, sits within her family home as she always has done ignoring the damage that was created between us both and has fully denyed that anything ever went on. The stories I have heard have been as simple as "I made it all up" or "She was obbsessed" I even head that I was blackmailing her !! How.. in my situation do you blackmail someone into waiting till your husband had left for london.. then walking over the road to jump in my bed ? How.. I ask.. Is that possible ??
How did I blackmail someone into sending emails/texts/photos ?? This is one part of my life that although i'd sooner forget. I can't. I'm still blatantly bitter and angry over the whole thing. Would I feel better if she was to admit she played a part ? Hell yes.. But I know she will never come out of her safety net to grow balls and admit what happened.
So.. with this in mind and a certain amount of honour and pride on my part, she will remain nameless ish.
Everything happened in such a short space of time, I was in the process of moving from a village to Burnham.. due to the end of another relationship. At this time I met a few people here and there within Burnham and one of them we shall call Jax (the local kareoke queen) she suggested I should come out one friday night with her and meet her friends. This I did which back then was a huge thing for me to go anywhere alone. Jax introduced me to so many people that night, but the few that stuck out were to be the downfall of me and all that I knew.
D... as she shall be known.. stuck out from the crowd, she was stunning in her own way. She wasn't tall or skinny, but there was something about her. And we talked.. she introduced me to her husband and some family friends. This was the first of may friday nights. The week after that I took Karen with me and we all pretty much became friends within this new circle. It was a summer I will never forget for many reasons. D and I clicked and I even got along with the husband. We went out most fridays, we took coffee with each other (they worked from home) An one drunken night I walked D home and it was a fleeting kiss at the door, but we crossed the lines... again. Gradually we talked and she explained she was bi !! but that her husband didnt know !! Many days we spent talking, laughing and shopping, she brought me some amazing things all this kept secret from everyone.. even karen. I had a sparkly new ring and a silver feather necklace. I felt spoilt. but I had a nagging doubt all along. But to be honest I lived for the excitement and almost fear. She even helped me furnish my house when I moved yet again. The summer nites and days dragged by in a hazy sexually heated haze. Nights of drinking, hot tubs, river swimming, the whole lot was as surreal then as it is now when I look back on it. D and I had been sleeping together for 4 months and Karen knew, and so did other close friends.. they guessed and there was no denying what was going on. We even used to go out on a tuesday to a "bookclub" just an excuse to study wine labels we called it.. It was a friends house where we could be a couple if only for a few hours. The days when the husband worked in London D used to let herself into my house and crawl into bed with me.. It was as hard as it was fun.. but things started to go wrong.. her guilt played heavily.. and she talked about finishing what we had.. I was devastated.. But the next alcoholic fuelled night she changed her mind and we continued. Her and her husband even talked about buying a new home where I could move into a ready built annex !! It was all moving out of my control, what I didn't see was the moment we slept together things were taken out of my hands. I found a new confidence, I changed, I grew up. I found a job. I was happy... or so I thought. D was now calling on me whenever she had a moment free.. I put my life on hold in case she called/visited. My friends from my past were put on hold and everything I had I gave to D. The rumours flew thick and fast within the community, we just shrugged them off. One day.. D called round, she said she couldnt handle the guilt anymore and it needed stopped.. she walked away. I couldnt face work, and after 3 weeks of working.. I was sacked all because I was beyond any state to call in and explain what was going on. Karen and Kaz were with me in an instant. The support from them was unfounding. Kaz was my ex from way back and she knew how D| had been treating me. Karen could of said many times "I told you so" But not once did she utter those words and to this day se has remained tight lipped. I was in a haze of hurt anger and disbelief. D wanted to remain friends and I thought I could handle this. She asked me not to bring any new partners to the pub in front of her as this would hurt her. At this point I didn't want anyone else. We had talked about waiting until her child finished exams when she could tell her husband it was over. She even told my friends she wanted to leave the husband for me. I believed every word. She seemed genuine and I listened. I was hooked. D went on holiday soon after. And the the texts came thick and fast. "I miss you" and "I realise what I've lost". My hopes went straight up again. The night she came back from holiday we went out... and inevitably the affair started again. This time however Kerry (my friend from Ireland) knew what was going on and had come over to see this woman who was tormenting her best friend... Kerry warned me severley. I didnt listen. On the 6 months annivesary of our so called relationship D finished it for a second time. And this time I truly believed she meant it. I self harmed beyond anything I had done before and turned up on Karens doorstep covered in blood, the fresh cuts spilling red onto my jeans, I couldnt see for tears and I couldnt believe she had done it again. The next few days were non existant to me. D still wanted to be friends, and I know or at least I thought she truly felt sorry for what had happened. Karen and Kaz were livid, and I'm suprised at this point that niether one of them told the husband what had happened. I slowly and carefully came out of the cloud I was under. D and I remained friends and my birthday was coming up. Kate and pg and karen were at this point planning things and I had no idea what was to happen in the next few days that would turn my life around in one harsh cold november day.
The night before my birthday D and I went out along with the husband and karen, we had a few drinks and D played her usual games in the bathroom of the pub as she always did, we kissed but I was almost numb to it by now. The night drew to a close with promises of a day trip with D the next day. I believe we went to Bath Christmas market. We had a great time, we almost seemed like a couple, and the following day was my birthday.. This could be a birthday to remember, I thought to myself. I was not wrong.
Unknown to me, D had arranged for Kerry to come over from Ireland and it was an amazing suprise to return honme to find her there. What a birthday present !
That night we were to go out for a birthday drink, and the following day D had promised us all a homecooked meal at her house as it was cheaper than going out to eat. This was as good as it gets, I forgot all the pain and false promises from before and arrived at a suprise birthday party to find Kate and pg there as well.. I was all over the place. I as so happy that Kate was there and as the night progressed kate and I ended up sitting together for the remainder of the night and we drank and we laughed and the pain was forgotten. The drinking continued long into the night back with karen and kerry. Then the text came from D, saying the meal had been cancelled because the husband didnt want it. He was under the impression from day one that I manipulated D and that everything she did was my doing. The anger that had been hidden from us all errupted into a heated text war. I told the husband it was him that had trapped D, it was his fault she wasnt happy.. this was followed by kerry and karen having their say.
The morning of my Birthday I had the text that stated quite simply "This friendship is over there is nothing left, please return my stuff"
They say you cannot break what is already broken, but something inside of me broke a little more.
Kerry returned to Ireland. and within weeks I had moved from Burnham to another house.
The woman I trusted where others didnt.. had destroyed me. The woman who taught me so many things had failed to teach me how to cope with the anguish of betrayal.
Lesson to myself... I had treated many others like she treated me.
And this and this alone is what I have taken with me today.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
In the here and now....with Kate
Most people start at the birth of themselves and then work forward to how they are today and it explains how they got where they are today !!
I think we've already established I'm not most people and I'm going to start in the here and now.. and maybe seeing it all written down in black and white will help me understand the choices my parents made at the time.. and how that has affected me not only as an adult but as a small child as well...
As for where I'm at now... this could and will change from day to day over the course of the next few months... this is the worst time of the year for me for many different reasons.. With the winter nights drawing in and the weather becoming colder and the mornings becoming grey and numb, I awake with a feeling of dread for each and everyday. I must point out at this point over a year ago I was diagnosed with bpd (Borderline personality disorder)...
Sometimes I deny ever having it and sometimes I accept it as part of me. My friends around me accept I'm just a tad different.. and on the lowest of days normally I can come out of the rut within a few hours now, instead of before where I would hide for days and self harm.. It seems the changes that have taken place within the last year have been astounding. I'd like for each and everyone of my friends to take some credit for it.. But there is one person who made me change the most, she is the one person who gave me another person within myself to look at and focus on. And unfortunately she is the one person who hurt me the most in my 37 years. More about that later... we are talking about now.
I'm in love... It sounds small and cheesy, another 3 words that don't look like half as much as they mean.. I love you.. It's not enough and never will be. The one thing I've learnt about love is that it comes in many different forms and identities. Sure I've said it before and I'm sure sometimes I meant it. I would also like to point out at this stage that my feelings now should in no way reflect what or how I felt about my past partners/lovers. I am talking about NOW.
And now...I'm with Kate. And I love her, am IN love with her and I want to spend every waking moment with her. We've been together almost 10 months and we are still very much in the so called 'honeymoon' period.. I'm sure it should of come to an end months ago. But it hasn't. And each day my feelings for her are more stronger, more grounded and certainly more powerful.
People have slated us and dragged up my past about married woman.. we've taken each hit together and stood side by side.. Kate is no longer a married woman. She wears my ring and she is my partner, my best friend and I would do anything to ensure this lasts. I still sit having a coffee/watching TV/garden/decorate and catch myself thinking.. "am i really this lucky" or "I cannot believe I have this woman in my arms" she takes my breath away, she inspires me and she has created the three most amazing boys. And god forbid anyone hurts this family while I'm around. For safety's sake I will never name the boys.. they shall remain as baby boy, middle boy and old boy !! My friends and Kate's friends will always know who we are talking about when the time comes.
The way this relationship came about was made for movies/books... it was surreal/unreal and special. Kate and I both worked at Asda many years ago (not that many) We both noticed each other, but we worked on different departments and I was with someone at the time. But it was nice to look !! Right ?
But occasionally we'd say hi and walk on to our respective homes/work. I know she used to eye up the quad be it at work or at my home knowing it belonged to me, and longing to talk to me but never quite managing. I used to hide to avoid her in the end, she was just a fantasy nothing more.
The years went on and I left Asda to start my own business and moved away from the area. Out of the blue came a facebook message stating she wanted to hire out a bouncy castle. Whether or not she remembered me.. I sure as hell knew who she was. I was a bundle of nerves (it was only later I found out she was going through the same) I was professional in my work however, and delivered and set up said castle. And there was Kate.. stunning as ever and rushing around sorting out a feast of a party.. I made some joke about saving me some cake.. and left.
I returned later that day to collect castle and we had a coffee and that's when I met pj (one of Kate's closest friends) and you know what.. Kate had saved me some Kate. I left that day smiling.
Time passed yet again, I remember having Kate on facebook, but I deleted her soon after simply because we just never talked !! In the summer my dog had pups.. and yet again there was that familiar name on facebook.. Kate had sent me a message asking if I still had pups because pj was interested !!
At this moment in my life I was seeing a married woman and pretty much going through hell at being yo yo'd left right and centre. Kate was a ray of sunlight. She just didn't know it.
So it pj had a pup. My affair was coming to an end in the worst way possible.. and myself, Karen and pj and Kate became firm friends. For years I had strived to be part of something, a group.. to have coffee, to socialise... to belong. This was it. I was happy in part. All through this time the girls knew what was going on within my private life.. and by December I had moved from Burnham to Highbridge to escape the fall out of the affair. Whilst licking my own wounds I realized Kate was unhappy and it bugged me. In due course I realized how young she had been when she had kids, and married and found that she felt she was in a rut.. I could of ran a mile. My problem had always been.. see an unhappy woman... and sleep with her.. just to make her happy, if only for a brief while. I saw myself as a fixer. Except what I didn't realize was that I was just going through the motions to try and heal myself from some unknown force. I became very wary of Kate. Even more so when I realized one night after a text from her. Kate had "feelings" for me !!! I'd be a rich woman if I had a quid for every time I heard that.. That's not meant to come across as egotistical.. but it's the truth, Karen and now Kate will testify that "everyone wants a bit of Nadine"..(more on that later).
I was running scared. I was hurting from the affair, still angry and very bitter. Along the way I'd lost good friends, but gained some genuine ones. But I was in no position to follow this "thing" through with Kate. I heard all the warning signs in my own head.. and even Karen was warning me about the dangers.
The flirtations had started.. we'd crossed the line as friends and we both knew it. By now Kate and I were spending a lot of time together, both at my house and hers. It was a hard few months, One of her close friends admitted to having "feelings" for me, which left Kate wondering about the kind of respect this friend had for Kate and Kate's feelings.. It made things awkward.. but we all worked through it together. It almost made us invincible friends...almost.
By now, within a small circle Kate and I were an "item"ish... I say ish.. because I wasn't ready, I wasn't sure and I didn't know where this was going. Kate was still married and still living at home, she had 3 kids and I knew she was going through hell in her own private turmoil. I was still wary.. but I was human and I had feelings which had been trampled on recently. But more importantly I didn't want to hurt Kate. I'd come to that stage where I had realized how I had treated others in my past and how much I had hurt people. I was determined never to make someone feel the way I had been made to feel. Not this time and not to Kate.
Things came to a sudden head Christmas eve. It's one Christmas eve I will never forget. It will now and forever be etched into my head.
We had all piled down to Kate's for a drink.. she found it increasingly hard to come out with us because of it being used against her for leaving the kids !! so we all made the effort to deal with the atmosphere of her place so she had company and support.
That night as the drinks steadily flowed, her husband started something I'm sure her regrets to this day and Kate turned on him with a force I will never forget. It was that cold dark night as myself, Karen and pj hid in the hall ( we went out for a smoke when the husband started).
"I'm not in love with you" were the words that echoed the rising panic that flooded every part of my being... Questions raced through my mind, did she really love me ? Did she really want to leave him.. for me ?? Was she not just a bored housewife like everyone else wanting a bit of fun?...
That night was the first time I'd seen Kate's temper... for so long she's been laid back and let everything just pass her by. Now Kate had a focus... although I'm sure at the time no one, not even Kate knew what the actual focus was.
Within that month, we saw Kate fall from the sunbeam she was, so a shadow of her former self.. and even her former self was not the real Kate we all know and love today.
It was hard, upsetting and we all felt useless.. we.. I was losing a part of Kate. We couldn't go to her house.. it was just too uncomfortable.Her weight plummeted and everyone had their concerns.. on the plus side through all this.. My life was opening up before my eyes... and in secret Kate and I went from strength to strength... we supported, we laughed.. We became happy and safe wit each other. By January she had moved to a new home not far from me. And another set of obstacles presented itself. Her concerns were always for the kids, they went through hell and back.. not knowing who to be angry at.. they were tormented by the stress of the family home.. the upheaval was unsettling for them as it would be for any child watching their parents go through a break up. With time, patience and alot of tears... things calmed down..The circle was complete.
Almost ten months later I spend 99% of my time with Kate and the boys.. we are that family...The boys take no notice of me and Kate.. Kate's family have accepted me 100% and I love them for it.
The friends we have now are the ones that were made for life. The support we have is astounding and yet touching. Friends I didn't know have come out of the woodwork and become a solid part of our lives.
This has been a testing year for everyone involved... and to those who are still here I thank you. And to those that have either been kicked to the kerb or stepped back... I wish you all the best.. But look at what you are missing.. This is life. This is happiness.
I think we've already established I'm not most people and I'm going to start in the here and now.. and maybe seeing it all written down in black and white will help me understand the choices my parents made at the time.. and how that has affected me not only as an adult but as a small child as well...
As for where I'm at now... this could and will change from day to day over the course of the next few months... this is the worst time of the year for me for many different reasons.. With the winter nights drawing in and the weather becoming colder and the mornings becoming grey and numb, I awake with a feeling of dread for each and everyday. I must point out at this point over a year ago I was diagnosed with bpd (Borderline personality disorder)...
Sometimes I deny ever having it and sometimes I accept it as part of me. My friends around me accept I'm just a tad different.. and on the lowest of days normally I can come out of the rut within a few hours now, instead of before where I would hide for days and self harm.. It seems the changes that have taken place within the last year have been astounding. I'd like for each and everyone of my friends to take some credit for it.. But there is one person who made me change the most, she is the one person who gave me another person within myself to look at and focus on. And unfortunately she is the one person who hurt me the most in my 37 years. More about that later... we are talking about now.
I'm in love... It sounds small and cheesy, another 3 words that don't look like half as much as they mean.. I love you.. It's not enough and never will be. The one thing I've learnt about love is that it comes in many different forms and identities. Sure I've said it before and I'm sure sometimes I meant it. I would also like to point out at this stage that my feelings now should in no way reflect what or how I felt about my past partners/lovers. I am talking about NOW.
And now...I'm with Kate. And I love her, am IN love with her and I want to spend every waking moment with her. We've been together almost 10 months and we are still very much in the so called 'honeymoon' period.. I'm sure it should of come to an end months ago. But it hasn't. And each day my feelings for her are more stronger, more grounded and certainly more powerful.
People have slated us and dragged up my past about married woman.. we've taken each hit together and stood side by side.. Kate is no longer a married woman. She wears my ring and she is my partner, my best friend and I would do anything to ensure this lasts. I still sit having a coffee/watching TV/garden/decorate and catch myself thinking.. "am i really this lucky" or "I cannot believe I have this woman in my arms" she takes my breath away, she inspires me and she has created the three most amazing boys. And god forbid anyone hurts this family while I'm around. For safety's sake I will never name the boys.. they shall remain as baby boy, middle boy and old boy !! My friends and Kate's friends will always know who we are talking about when the time comes.
The way this relationship came about was made for movies/books... it was surreal/unreal and special. Kate and I both worked at Asda many years ago (not that many) We both noticed each other, but we worked on different departments and I was with someone at the time. But it was nice to look !! Right ?
But occasionally we'd say hi and walk on to our respective homes/work. I know she used to eye up the quad be it at work or at my home knowing it belonged to me, and longing to talk to me but never quite managing. I used to hide to avoid her in the end, she was just a fantasy nothing more.
The years went on and I left Asda to start my own business and moved away from the area. Out of the blue came a facebook message stating she wanted to hire out a bouncy castle. Whether or not she remembered me.. I sure as hell knew who she was. I was a bundle of nerves (it was only later I found out she was going through the same) I was professional in my work however, and delivered and set up said castle. And there was Kate.. stunning as ever and rushing around sorting out a feast of a party.. I made some joke about saving me some cake.. and left.
I returned later that day to collect castle and we had a coffee and that's when I met pj (one of Kate's closest friends) and you know what.. Kate had saved me some Kate. I left that day smiling.
Time passed yet again, I remember having Kate on facebook, but I deleted her soon after simply because we just never talked !! In the summer my dog had pups.. and yet again there was that familiar name on facebook.. Kate had sent me a message asking if I still had pups because pj was interested !!
At this moment in my life I was seeing a married woman and pretty much going through hell at being yo yo'd left right and centre. Kate was a ray of sunlight. She just didn't know it.
So it pj had a pup. My affair was coming to an end in the worst way possible.. and myself, Karen and pj and Kate became firm friends. For years I had strived to be part of something, a group.. to have coffee, to socialise... to belong. This was it. I was happy in part. All through this time the girls knew what was going on within my private life.. and by December I had moved from Burnham to Highbridge to escape the fall out of the affair. Whilst licking my own wounds I realized Kate was unhappy and it bugged me. In due course I realized how young she had been when she had kids, and married and found that she felt she was in a rut.. I could of ran a mile. My problem had always been.. see an unhappy woman... and sleep with her.. just to make her happy, if only for a brief while. I saw myself as a fixer. Except what I didn't realize was that I was just going through the motions to try and heal myself from some unknown force. I became very wary of Kate. Even more so when I realized one night after a text from her. Kate had "feelings" for me !!! I'd be a rich woman if I had a quid for every time I heard that.. That's not meant to come across as egotistical.. but it's the truth, Karen and now Kate will testify that "everyone wants a bit of Nadine"..(more on that later).
I was running scared. I was hurting from the affair, still angry and very bitter. Along the way I'd lost good friends, but gained some genuine ones. But I was in no position to follow this "thing" through with Kate. I heard all the warning signs in my own head.. and even Karen was warning me about the dangers.
The flirtations had started.. we'd crossed the line as friends and we both knew it. By now Kate and I were spending a lot of time together, both at my house and hers. It was a hard few months, One of her close friends admitted to having "feelings" for me, which left Kate wondering about the kind of respect this friend had for Kate and Kate's feelings.. It made things awkward.. but we all worked through it together. It almost made us invincible friends...almost.
By now, within a small circle Kate and I were an "item"ish... I say ish.. because I wasn't ready, I wasn't sure and I didn't know where this was going. Kate was still married and still living at home, she had 3 kids and I knew she was going through hell in her own private turmoil. I was still wary.. but I was human and I had feelings which had been trampled on recently. But more importantly I didn't want to hurt Kate. I'd come to that stage where I had realized how I had treated others in my past and how much I had hurt people. I was determined never to make someone feel the way I had been made to feel. Not this time and not to Kate.
Things came to a sudden head Christmas eve. It's one Christmas eve I will never forget. It will now and forever be etched into my head.
We had all piled down to Kate's for a drink.. she found it increasingly hard to come out with us because of it being used against her for leaving the kids !! so we all made the effort to deal with the atmosphere of her place so she had company and support.
That night as the drinks steadily flowed, her husband started something I'm sure her regrets to this day and Kate turned on him with a force I will never forget. It was that cold dark night as myself, Karen and pj hid in the hall ( we went out for a smoke when the husband started).
"I'm not in love with you" were the words that echoed the rising panic that flooded every part of my being... Questions raced through my mind, did she really love me ? Did she really want to leave him.. for me ?? Was she not just a bored housewife like everyone else wanting a bit of fun?...
That night was the first time I'd seen Kate's temper... for so long she's been laid back and let everything just pass her by. Now Kate had a focus... although I'm sure at the time no one, not even Kate knew what the actual focus was.
Within that month, we saw Kate fall from the sunbeam she was, so a shadow of her former self.. and even her former self was not the real Kate we all know and love today.
It was hard, upsetting and we all felt useless.. we.. I was losing a part of Kate. We couldn't go to her house.. it was just too uncomfortable.Her weight plummeted and everyone had their concerns.. on the plus side through all this.. My life was opening up before my eyes... and in secret Kate and I went from strength to strength... we supported, we laughed.. We became happy and safe wit each other. By January she had moved to a new home not far from me. And another set of obstacles presented itself. Her concerns were always for the kids, they went through hell and back.. not knowing who to be angry at.. they were tormented by the stress of the family home.. the upheaval was unsettling for them as it would be for any child watching their parents go through a break up. With time, patience and alot of tears... things calmed down..The circle was complete.
Almost ten months later I spend 99% of my time with Kate and the boys.. we are that family...The boys take no notice of me and Kate.. Kate's family have accepted me 100% and I love them for it.
The friends we have now are the ones that were made for life. The support we have is astounding and yet touching. Friends I didn't know have come out of the woodwork and become a solid part of our lives.
This has been a testing year for everyone involved... and to those who are still here I thank you. And to those that have either been kicked to the kerb or stepped back... I wish you all the best.. But look at what you are missing.. This is life. This is happiness.
Now.. On a more bitter note...A warning...
If you write a book, a blog you expect people somewhere to read it.. and you will probably expect a backlash for it also.. I do !! If i'm to write, I will write the truth.. and I will not change names to protect the innocent... because in my opinion there are NO innocents... If you were/are in my life.. you WILL be written about... well.. if you actually made an impact anyways... in whatever capacity that was... should you wish to take me to court for things such as libel or defamation of character... please think long and hard.. I'll go to court with emails/pictures and anything else i've put to one side (just in case)...
And I will stand there as proud as I am today and tell people, yes I had an affair with that woman for over 6 months.. oh and here's the proof !!
From affairs to sleeping with managers... to flings to whistle blowing at work places...
From boarding school abuse to living the high life..
It all happened... why should it remain a secret any more...This...well... this is me x
And I will stand there as proud as I am today and tell people, yes I had an affair with that woman for over 6 months.. oh and here's the proof !!
From affairs to sleeping with managers... to flings to whistle blowing at work places...
From boarding school abuse to living the high life..
It all happened... why should it remain a secret any more...This...well... this is me x
No beginning...Never an end..
Well.... with this type of thing where do I start ?
So many people have said "you should write a book" or "I'd love to know what makes you tick"....
Well I guess this is where we find out. This will be me in all it's glory. The amazing bits, the bad gory bits and the truth.. how I'm feeling, why i'm feeling (if I know) and my past and future.
My past is one of kind, unique, but growing up i've found that I wasn't the only one to go through what I did and when I did. But and I say but gingerly.. I will never try to use my past as an excuse for my behaviour today. That's down to the therapist in you to decifer and read between the lines.
Today I can sit back and look at the past 5 years or 10 years and possibly have no regrets.. I also get asked "would you change anything?" and time and time again I'd say no, It all happened for a reason... then I'd think back and think, actually... I probably wouldnt have done that/slept with her/believed anything she said.. But then if I could change my past. I would certainly never be where I am now.. and This much I do know. I would never change my past If I thought for a second I'd lose what I have now. Now my life is almost complete. But then.. we all know.. life has a nasty habit of throwing you into choas at the last second.
So many people have said "you should write a book" or "I'd love to know what makes you tick"....
Well I guess this is where we find out. This will be me in all it's glory. The amazing bits, the bad gory bits and the truth.. how I'm feeling, why i'm feeling (if I know) and my past and future.
My past is one of kind, unique, but growing up i've found that I wasn't the only one to go through what I did and when I did. But and I say but gingerly.. I will never try to use my past as an excuse for my behaviour today. That's down to the therapist in you to decifer and read between the lines.
Today I can sit back and look at the past 5 years or 10 years and possibly have no regrets.. I also get asked "would you change anything?" and time and time again I'd say no, It all happened for a reason... then I'd think back and think, actually... I probably wouldnt have done that/slept with her/believed anything she said.. But then if I could change my past. I would certainly never be where I am now.. and This much I do know. I would never change my past If I thought for a second I'd lose what I have now. Now my life is almost complete. But then.. we all know.. life has a nasty habit of throwing you into choas at the last second.
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