But I digress... I'm not ready for the next section yet. So I've decided to talk a little about bpd maybe.. or maybe the fact that I had a very restless night last night.. why ? Because someone had commented on my blog... someone who chose to remain nameless...this could be absolutely anyone.. I know this... But I went into total panic..who said it ? I know these blogs give people an insight into other peoples lives, and they are within their right to blog under 'anon' But the writing looked familiar.. not only to me, which didn't help.
I was flooded with every last emotion/feeling that I had at the time. Waves of confusion bordering on pure raw pain. I knew writing it was a risk, not to anyone else but to myself. I knew I would go through it all again, but.. the confusion lies within boundaries I just don't understand yet.
How... do you explain to anyone, that this woman isn't evil, and she wasn't wrong in her decisions, she just went about them the wrong way. How do you explain I almost feel I owe her thanks.. and even now I sit here shaking my head at the total stupidity of it. I said before it took two people to create it, whatever 'it' was. And I could of walked at anytime. Obviously this affected me more than I thought, it's something I guess I have to live with. Trying to give thanks to someone who has chosen to put me so far in her past that I'm guessing to her 'it never happened'.. and it's little things like that, that truly cut.
Borderline personality at it's best !!!
So... lets discuss... For years.. as a child and as an adult I have never felt that I fitted, something was wrong, people were happy or so they seemed but i was never happy....not deep inside.. like really inside.
When I was 8 or 9 I remember social workers coming to the house weekly, talking to me or my mum in hushed tones.. asking me questions, asking why I behaved the way I did..I remember going to rooms which had 2 way mirrors and being asked more and more questions.. I don't remember much, But I remember I was naughty.. although the definition of naughty in my book at that age was nothing like we have today. I didn't steal, I didn't do drugs, I went to school, I didn't know what skiving was back then. I wasn't a bully. I was just naughty at home.. so I remember being told.
I know I was sent away to Boarding school at 12.. (more on that another time) and it was here I was put through more tests, questioned.. mad to feel even more omitted from normality. Through the years I was still very much the rebel, answering to no one, questioning everything.. Into adulthood I took it upon myself to attend therapy or anger management classes.. any of it to help me !! Something somewhere wasn't working as it should and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Finally just over a year ago I was told I had Bpd.. and that was what I was left to work with.
The therapist left this area to work elsewhere informing me there was no health care professional in the local catchment qualified to help me. That was it.
So... suddenly I wasn't as unclear as I was before. I had something to focus on and learn about myself. People assume a lot until they manage to sit and learn about these mental health issues.
So... the basics (as basic as it gets) As you grow through life you learn from peers/parents what emotions and feelings are, and where you 'feel' them. And also how to label them and deal with them. I didn't. For some reason my first emotions/feelings were anger and nothing else. Now I know that anger is the easiest emotion to feel. We all have a blueprint for life... somewhere along the line, I lost mine and I've been ploughing on almost map less until now. I'm still kinda without a map.. But I do have my own little scribbled idea of things.. and I share it with friends so they know where I'm going as well.. sometimes they scribble in a little more to help me, or sometimes they erase bits.. it's so much easier for me to understand.
If you are called a name, it may sting or it may not affect you... with me... and others like me, I will take it to heart, I will sit and analyse why it was said, and what did I do to deserve it, I will have sleepless nights until I can fix the reasoning behind the name calling... am I making sense yet ??
I self harm... well... I used to terribly... now its been almost a year without a drop of blood !! I'm never going to say I'm fixed.. with no therapy and no permanent map I'm doing this my way, with my friends.. but hey..so far so good.
So.. that's kinda my interpretation.... here's the clever part...
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:
- Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
- Disrupted family life
- Poor communication in the family
- Sexual abuse
- People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
- Fear of being abandoned
- Feelings of emptiness and boredom
- Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
- Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
- Intolerance of being alone
- Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
big hugs to you lovely - it takes so much courage to open up like this in such a frank way. I feel every emotion with you while reading this xx hope to see you soon wish I was closer right now so we could have coffee and chat xx
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